What Goes Up...

Deep black where

No light glows.

I feel lost

As one unaided.

My dark friend,

You greet me.

Wish I could

Let you go.

Despise you, failure.

Weary of struggle.

Faced with illusions,

Why want reality?

Long to veil

My relentless anguish.

Cannot mask it,

But I try.

Rejection Slip

You might think, by my title, that this is a bad thing. But ironically, my first rejection slip has excited and inspired me. For whatever reason, I feel more like a writer because of it. My first thought was -- NEXT! I pulled out my card to see what my second magazine choice was for this article. I am going to send it off again. AND, I'm going to continue to write.

I am working on a screenplay at the moment. I know, I skip around so much. But, I've wanted to try my hand at this for awhile and I try to write where I'm interested. I figure, why fight it? The experience has been exhillarating, frustrating, exhausting, invigorating and most of all it has pushed me past myself. I made a commitment to write it in 21 days and I'm not stopping myself even if I hate parts of it. There will be time to go back and re-do.

Oddly enough, my weight is slowly going down. I say slowly because it's only 1/2 a pound to 1 pound a week. But I'm just happy that it's going in the down direction. I saw a number this week that I've not seen for five years. I almost cried.

Okay, I'll end my Pollyanna post. But I thought that while I was up, I might as well share my happiness. There will be plenty of dark days ahead, I'm sure. Ask me how it's going ten days into this screenplay. ;)

The Word

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." John 1:1

That verse has always puzzled me and quite honestly, I never found much from it to extract. But this weekend I was reading a book that made this part of the Bible really stand out to me. The author talked in depth about God being the Word. In light of how much I love words, I can't believe that it never hit me like it did in that moment. He is creator, author, WORD. I absolutely love that. AND I especially love how everything He created began with a WORD.

He gets me.

I never understood how much.

(I know this sounds totally self-absorbed because many people write and love words, but I can't help it, it feels personal to me in a way it never has before.)

LOST News Report

Last night the show Lost redeemed itself in an amazing turn of pace. The founder of the "land of the LOST" club said,"I was able to sleep well last night knowing the writers have returned to their original passion and I look forward to the unraveling of the mysteries in weeks to come." --LITERATURE LOVER'S Journal, March 8, 2007

Beginning of March

I can't believe that it's already March! Man, this year is flying by. Okay, I need to retract my goals for writing. I tried to get four articles out in one week and found that I was WAY over my head. I think I'll go back to my original goal and be happy.

For those of you holding me accountable, I will update you on my new year's resolutions. #1 - Had my physical and a scare about diabetes. But everything finally checked out well. I don't have diabetes. I will consider this my wake-up call. I have continued walking and eating more healthy. #2 - I have been writing (almost) every day. #3 - Sent articles off but need to continue this process. #4 - Ironically, my fun time with the kids has centered around my excercise each day. We've been walking/rollerblading/biking together and it's been a blast! #5 - As far as losing weight, it is coming off slowly, too slowly for my taste. But, I figure I didn't get overweight overnight, so I'm not going to lose it overnight either. Bummer. :)

I must say that again, my LOST show let me down. Whaaa! I look forward to this show every week and up until the last few weeks, I have been happy with it. But, if something doesn't turn around quick, I am going to have tomatoes ready to throw at the television for the next "land of the LOST" party. Grrr.

I Have A Confession

Okay, I have a confession to make that will shock some of you. Last night the LOST episode was lame. (Close your mouth) I know, I know, you can't believe that I'm saying that but I am. It was a letdown. Last week's episode - awesome. This week's - not! Come on, LOST writers, bring back some of that first season charm.

Although, that did not stop those of us watching it from having a great time.

Submissions Sent

I mailed two magazine articles today. Eeeeee! I'm actually amazed that I've done it (it only took sixteen years). Now, it will be months before I receive that rejection letter -er, I mean, contract letter. ;) But I am just excited that I've overcome my fear enough to send them off.

My original goal was to send forty manuscripts off before my fortieth birthday. Now I have a new goal (which hopefully isn't too high). I want to send four a week - for ten weeks. This will move me along much more quickly. Perhaps I could even get something PUBLISHED before my birthday, but I shouldn't get ahead of myself...

land of the LOST

I promised a little while back that when the television show, LOST, came back on the air, that I would host a LOST club. Well, I am keeping that promise. So, for those of you that know me and love the show LOST, you are welcome to come to my house Wednesday night at 9:00 (or a little before, because I probably won't get up to open the door for you if it is started - just kidding, sort of). You may stay afterwards for discussion if you like. We are calling the club, Land of the LOST. My husband named it and I'm kind of wondering if it's a slam. Anyhow...I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!

(Yes, I'm addicted, tell me something I don't know.)

It's been awhile...

Well, it's been awhile. I swear, I have great intentions. But then you can't really read them, huh? Lately I've been writing a lot (just not in the blogosphere).

Can I just say how much I love to write? Man! I love it. Stories pop in my head like a movie and sometimes I can hardly type fast enough to get them down. I told one friend about a story I'd been working on and she asked to see it.

"Ummm, no." After all, it's only a rough draft. I haven't even edited it. No one, outside of family, has ever read my stories. Articles yes, but not my babies, my stories. It's not finished. It's not perfect.

She persisted.

I felt fear take hold of me. What if she read it and thought it was completely corny? What if she hated it, but didn't want to hurt my feelings? She promised that she would be honest.

I sent her the story.

I spent the entire next day on pins and needles. I asked myself why it mattered so much to me. After all, it's only one person's opinion. But there was that nagging fear that if she hated it, then what I've always feared inside would be true: I am not a writer.

Okay, I know that sounds silly because, if you write, you're a writer. So maybe what I mean is that I would not be a good writer.

She called me late that afternoon. She said, "I'm calling about your story. Here is my humble opinion," (Humble opinion? Oh no, she's trying to diminish her opinion because she hated it!)

"Yes?" I said.

"I loved it! I only got halfway through and I can't wait to read the rest."

What?!!! Oh my gosh, she read it and actually liked it! Yippee!!!!!! I cannot tell you how high that made me. I don't think there is a drug in the universe that could have given me that kind of upper.

Now, does that mean that I am a great writer? No. But, the fact that there could be people out there who enjoy my stories, means that somehow in the world I am understood.

They get me.

It's good to be got.

Icy Days

Since it sleeted for almost an entire weekend, we are covered in ice. Our power did not go out, thank goodness! Fortunately for me, I had just checked out from the library a book of the complete works of Jane Austin and have been deliciously savoring it to the dismay of my family. For some reason they seem to think that I'm not as attentive when I have a good book in hand. :)

The kids are wanting to go sledding today so we'll see. I'm not as excited about it because I HATE to be cold. L However, my husband is off work today so he may take them. Hmm, this may work to my advantage.

Everyone out of the house sledding. Quiet enough to read Pride and Prejudice without interruptions. And cold enough for a hot cup of coffee. THAT, my friends would be a perfect day!

Who knows though, I might weather the cold after all...

New Year!

Happy New Year!

I know I'm a little late, but better late than never, right? :) So, New Year's resolutions? Yes, I have them. I'm not sure if that's good or not since they are usually so difficult to keep. However, I love the fresh start. There is something about a new beginning that always gives me hope. The first day of every month, and the first day of every week are always inspiring. It's not that I'm an optimist but I just need a lot of re-starts. L

New Year Resolution #1 - this year taking care of others includes taking care of me. I know that sounds selfish. But my reason is that I don't want anyone else getting the joy of raising my children. I want to be around for a long time. So, the first part of this is making appointments for physicals. Second is to walk (which I've actually been doing, even though it is only in small increments). Third, watch what I eat. I'm beginning to see different ways that food affects me negatively so I'm trying to be careful with the sugar and caffine.

New Year Resolution #2 - Write often. I'm talking about articles or stories.

New Year Resolution #3 - Send the articles off! This seems logical but is so hard to do. They never seem ready enough. So I'm going to give myself a certain amount of revisions, stop there and send it.

New Year Resolution #4 - Make fun time with my children a part of every day. By this I mean purposeful time. We have fun throughout the day but they long for me to just play with them and often I feel I'm too busy. So I'm trying to schedule a play time with each of them, even if it's short. I'm realizing that life is short. My oldest is turning 12 in a few days and it's gone so fast! I don't want to look back with regret on not spending enough one-on-one with them.

New Year Resolution #5 - Lose weight. I know that sounds so predictable. However, I have a marker birthday this year and I want to give myself a new body.

So, how's that for setting myself up? :)

Christmas Party

There are those who seemingly host parties with their hands behind their back.

Then there's me.

I am not one of those organized, house-always-clean kind of women. So when it comes to parties, I end up needing to clean a little bit more than a normal person. You know the famous dash and stash? Not to mention the other things like: vacuum the mounting dog hair, put away piles of trash--ur, I mean--artwork, clear the clutter, re-organize the kids rooms and my favorite, move furniture!

Move furniture? You ask. Yes. I say. Because graphing out where the furniture should go and moving it is much more fun than actually cleaning. Can anyone say, procrastination?

The trouble with procrastination is that it puts you on a needless frantic schedule to get everything done which can often lead to your head popping off. Or at least feeling as though it could. Translation: Migraine.

The funny thing is that as much as it takes for someone as unorganized as me to put on a party, it is well worth the time. I love the sound of the slow rise of voices as more and more friends enter the room. We had about 45 people in our home (including the kiddos) tettering soup and goodies on their laps talking and laughing.
And the great side effect is that my house will be clean for Christmas.

Well, mostly clean. ;)

The Forest

I am reading a book right now (well, one of many) called, The Forest for the Trees, about writers and the struggles of writing from an editor's viewpoint. While I have only been published one measly time in a small publication, I still consider myself a writer. I figure if you write, then you're a writer. Writing is a passion of mine and though I don't necessarily keep up with writing this blog (hee-hee), I have a very thick file in my word processor of articles, chapters, poems, thoughts, greeting card ideas, outlines and the like.

When I first started reading said book, I felt as if the author could see into my soul. It was freaky. Here are some of my favorite lines from the book:


I know a lot of writers who beat themselves up on a regular basis, either for not writing or for not writing well enough.

The natural writer is the one who is always writing, if only in his head--sizing up a situation for material, collecting impressions. James Thurber confessed, "I never quite know when I'm not writing. Sometimes my wife comes up to me at a party and says, 'Dammit, Thurber, stop writing.' She usually catches me in the middle of a paragraph.

Writers love to worry. By their very nature they are neurotic.


See people? I have an excuse. ;)

Words

I have long been a lover of words. Even when I was very young I would try to invent new words in the hopes that they would one day end up in the dictionary. "Gont" was one of them. I have long forgotten what the meaning was but I recall the joy of creating words.

Perhaps the act of creating is the most significant part of writing or reading a passage. The joy of sharing in someone else's thoughts or their perspective in a story. Even more the excitement of pouring your own soul into a thought and letting another glimpse your heart through the window of words.

As C.S. Lewis, one of my favorite authors, writes from his book, Prince Caspian:

"I think I'll have to go right back to the beginning and tell you how Caspian grew up in his Uncle's court and how he comes to be on our side at all. But it'll be a long story."
"All the better," said Lucy. "We love stories."

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Sis!
God knew what he was doing putting us in the womb together. You're an incredible friend. I can't imagine my life without you, after all, sharing CAN be fun!

Happy Birthday Bro! (tomorrow)
And what could I have done without a baby brother to kiss and boss around? You keep me laughing.

I love you both. This song is for you. :)

Shall I Not Drink It?

When Peter sees that Judas has a whole army of people ready to take Jesus, he makes a sad attempt of fighting by cutting off the ear of the servant of the High Priest. Jesus puts the ear back on and heals the man. Then he turns to Peter.

"But Jesus said to Peter, "Put your sword back into its sheath. Shall I not drink from the cup of suffering the Father has given me?"

Wow. He had someone ready to fight to keep him from hurting and he stopped them. Then he even rebukes Peter with the fact that if God wants him to drink this cup of suffering, should he not do it? I whine about the littlest thing. I've not been asked to die a horrible death (yet). But I fight and cry at each little suffering that is handed to me. This morning as I read this, it humbled me and gave me courage. I would like a heart that's ready to say, "Shall I not drink it?"

Sunday

Sunday. It only comes once a week but how much I love it! I couldn't say that five years ago. In fact, I dreaded church with a passion. I had to push and prod my little ones to get ready. Once I got to church, I would seeth and almost wretch during the sermon. I was full of frustration.

But now, it's different. I wake my children up. If they're still sleepy and slowly creeping out of bed, all I have to say is, "Today is Sunday". Their eyes grow wide with excitement. "It's Sunday?!" They jump out of bed as if their life depended on it and frantically start getting ready. Then they hurry me.

Why is it so different? You might ask. Oh, I could never name the many ways. So I'll just name a few. It's real. People are truthful and gutwrenchingly open. The pastors speak from the heart. They don't preach AT you and they don't yell. They simply share. Everyone is welcome. Really. Not just in word. I leave refreshed and ready to face my week. And, I can wear jeans.

I love Sunday.

Addicted To Lost

I might as well face it, I'm addicted. I love this show. Wednesday has turned into LOSTday.

On A Roll

Yes, I know. Two blogs in a row is extremely rare for me. But today something happened that doesn't happen often in this house so I felt the need to blog about it. Ready? This afternoon, I had one solid hour of quiet. I took the advice of my sister and alloted one hour in the afternoon for quiet play. Each child has their own place. Two of my children share a room but I put one of them in my room to seperate them. See how that works? They cannot fight if they are not together.

There are only four tiny rules:
1.) They may choose their activity but it must be quiet (i.e. books, paper dolls, blocks).
2.) They must be quiet. They cannot talk to each other.
3.) They cannot come to me (unless it is a DIRE emergency, i.e. bleeding profusely).
4.) If they MUST go to the restroom (which you wouldn't think they would given that it is one mere hour, but my children are famous for having to go to the bathroom often), they must go quietly.

See a theme here?

As my children began to grow out of the toddler years (they are many years past them now), I knew there was something I was missing. At first I thought it was the longing for a new little one. But now I've finally realized what it was -- naptime! So I've decided that quiet time has now replaced naptime. Today, in the length of time they were in their quiet play, I got dishes cleaned, floor swept, dinner started and a Bible tape listened to. And you know what the amazing thing was? They liked it!

This is definitely staying on our schedule.

If you're still there...

Okay, so it's almost been a complete month since I wrote anything. You know how when you've waited awhile to write, you keep thinking you need something really great to write? So you keep procrastinating and never get around to sharing anything because no matter what you're thinking it's never good enough? Well, I think that's what's happened to me.

So tonight I decided that I was just going to write. This may go nowhere but at least that blasted dog story will not be the first post on my blog anymore.

Lately, I have become more aware of myself withdrawing. I do this when I feel manipulated, angry, hurt or I'm tired. I know it's wrong. So I am trying desperately to change. Instead of automatically getting angry and shutting down, I'm trying to be more honest in the moment. That has its own struggles since I don't think too fast on my feet. But since I've seen more of my pattern, I notice what I'm doing as I'm doing it and I've been able to stop myself quicker. It's hard! It's like trying to learn to write correctly when you've written incorrectly your entire life.

I'm also learning about spiritual disciplines. That's all I'll say about that because everytime I try to write more about it, it comes out really trite. I can't seem to truly express what I want to say. Maybe I'll figure it out later and can write more on that subject.

Well, it's getting late and I've got to get up early to teach my kiddos school in the morning. Have a great week!