Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Finding Me

I was reminising about my college years and feeling a tinge of regret that I can't go back to that person. She was happy, thin, and filled with hope for the future. She laughed a LOT. Where did she go? Is she still down in me somewhere? Sometimes I get glimpses of her. Other times I feel horribly distant from her like that was millions of years ago and that I'm not even that person anymore. The other day I found a notebook full of notes from classes or just things I'd gathered during my senior year in college that meant something to me. It was a walk down memory lane. And the most reassuring thing was that what I wrote so long ago seemed familiar. She was still me and I was still her.

I have been reading a book lately called Thin Again by the Hallidays. He uses the imagery of being wrapped in grave clothes like Lazarus. It's like all the pounds I've gathered over the years or other addictions that I've had are the things I've wrapped around me to keep me safe or to lock in my deepest hurts. Only, I'm not dead. So why am I wearing grave clothes? Layer by layer, God has been lifting them. It makes me feel naked and scared sometimes. Other times I feel free. Since one of my addictions has been food, He's showing me how to turn to food only when I'm physically hungry but to turn to Him when my soul is hungry.

I want to be so much more than my stupid struggles. Maybe living this life is always going to be with the tension of struggles and beauty. Beauty lifts my spirits and restores my hope. So I enjoy Stephanie's sketches; read other blogs; watch the rain and listen to Switchfoot sing When I Look At the Stars. Thanks God, for beauty.


janjanmom said...

Hello from Paducah, KY, I am new to reading your blog...I could have written your post today. I must get that book, still wearing all my grave clothes-what got you started on the right foot? Nice to meet you. You are on my favorites so I am now a daily reader.

heartsjoy said...

What a wonderful description! That really puts things into perspective. I too think it must be that combination of tension with a chance to grow as well as appreciate the already existing beauty. I'm glad you are finding yourself again...of course, I have always thought you were beautiful!

Michelle- This One's For The Girls said...

Surely 3 kids and 15 years is worth a couple of dress sizes... :)

But I know exactly how you feel. But you expressed it all very nicely.

SuperMom said...

I love it when you open up your soul and write from deep down like this :-)

I relate to your struggle, and know how you feel. Who am I? I sometimes wonder if I will ever figure it out.

I think you are beautiful, grave clothes and all. Hubby and I were talking about outer beauty last night and our expectations vs. reality. I agree with TOFTG. Should you be the same size you were then? Are you really addicted to food? I'd think you'd be about three times your size if you were.

Stop stressing and enjoy life!! (Guess I should take my own advice, huh? ;-)

ste-pha-nie said...

Oh, man. You really hit on something here that I can also relate to - finding myself, 15 years later. Isn't it exciting!?? I mean, we go on all these years on 'automatic?' and then it's like, hey, wait, is she (me) still with me? Yoohooo?!
Part of the reason I draw and sketch is to hold on to "her" and train myself to forgive my imperfections and embrace them instead.

About the grave clothes - wow - that's powerful imagery. You say, "...addictions that I've had are the things I've wrapped around me to keep me safe or to lock in my deepest hurts. Only, I'm not dead." and I have this vison in my head of a bright blossom emerging from a cold dead dry frozen garden. Autumn is nigh!

LiteratureLover said...

jjm - Welcome to my blog. In answer to your question, I would have to say God. Otherwise I don't think the veil would have lifted for me to see clearly that I was walking in a continuous circle.

HJ - Thanks for your sweet words. You always help me find myself.

TOFTG - Laughing. Maybe so.

SM - Laughing. I think I AM three times my REAL size. No, I know what you mean. I love that you enjoy my open soul. You're a great example!

Stephani - I think it's awesome that you draw and sketch to hold on to "her". You've inspired me (as you can see from my newest post). Cool imagery of the bright blossom emerging. I like that.

Warm Hearts said...

Is this my sweet, beautiful, smart, perfect little Princess talking? Dont stop looking in the Mirror at your pretty self but remember that is only your hull, the real beauty is in your heart.
You are so blessed by God and such a blessing to me. I Love you.
Poppa's Pen