Chomping

The other day LM (Little Mister) and I were snuggling together. I was chewing a piece of gum, which I am told I do very poorly, and he was watching me. He started mimicking me with very large chomps and loud smacks.

Me: Are you making fun of me?
LM: No. (continuing to chomp and smack)
Me: I think you're making fun of me.
LM: I'm not. (chomp, smack)
Me: (Raised eyebrows)
LM: Little boys ALWAYS love to chomp with their Mommies.
(Insert very precious little smile here)

I couldn't help but laugh. Charming, isn't he?

So Much

Wow, I'm not sure how to update this long-forgotten blog. I guess I'll try to give the cliff notes version.

Moved in with Mother-in-law because she was too ill to care for herself. Realized I couldn't homeschool and care for her, so we put our kids in school. Completely emotional. Basketcase on many days. We lived there for two months. Began to adjust. Then felt a bit cramped. Five people in two bedrooms. MIL regained some mobility. Not much privacy. This weekend we moved back into our house. Happy sigh. I check in on MIL every day after taking kids to school. The End.

Now we're actually talking about moving close to MIL so I am frantically trying to get rid of stuff and prepare our house for a possible sale. Even thinking of moving is pretty hard at this point because I just got back into my cozy home. But I feel like God is teaching me one, all-important lesson: YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL!!!

Wish I could get it.

She Passed Me!

It's official. My eldest daughter, 12 1/2 years old, has now passed me in height. We discovered it on Sunday doing our usual ritual of "Am I taller than you?" measuring. She immediately shared it with everyone who would listen.

Sigh. I guess I might as well succomb to it. We're entering that stage now. You know, the one where I need to let go when I want to clutch tighter. Yeah, that one.

Update

She's back at the hospital.

Argh!

I'm going to vent a moment.

My mother-in-law has been to the hospital three times in the last four weeks. Two of them she had to stay for several days. Did they find out what was wrong? Well, they guessed at it. Today she was bad off, really bad. A nurse told me that we COULD have had her put in a Skills Unit after being dismissed from the hospital and she would have been able to stay there for up to six weeks-- paid in full. Round-the-clock care and therapy. But did anyone tell us this? No!

So, we call her doctor today to see if we can get her in it. No. She would have had to been admitted there from the hospital. REALLY?! Grrrrrrrr!

No worries. She's probably headed there again since no one will freaking help us!!!! I am so stomping mad right now that I want to cry. But that would not help squat. So I'm venting. I guess that doesn't really help either, but it feels good.

Life Ramblings

It's frustrating to me how I can let life zap me in the matter of a mili-second. I can feel so high and the next moment, not. Today is a "not" day. My Mother-in-Law is quite elderly and has had some major health problems lately. My husband and I have been passing each other coming and going to care for her. I miss him.

I'm such a roller coaster. I hate moods. Wish I could just push the happy button.

Last Friday night was a "high" for me because the new Harry Potter book came out. I read the whole thing in 24 hours. Loved it. (No spoilers here)

This morning I woke up around 5:30 a.m. with a wonderful dream about my Grandpa. He was making me laugh really hard; in fact, it woke me up. Then I felt that moment being sucked away as I remembered once again that he's gone. Tears poured and I couldn't make them stop. I haven't cried about that for months. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I got up and started writing.

Writing brings relief for me. Wish I could write like J.K. Rowling.

Critique of LOST Season 3 Finale

IT LIVED UP.

Those writers are amazing.

The "land of the LOST" club has been so much fun. Everyone screaming, laughing, or gasping at all the right moments. The commercials were great breaks for intriguing conversations. I don't think that any of our Lost club meetings ended before midnight. :) We just couldn't get enough of visiting. I invite you back to the "land of the LOST" club in January 2008.

Thanks to each of you who came, sporadically or religiously. It was a blast!

Chances

This month I did something that I've contemplated doing for three years. I entered the Writer's Digest competition. I won't know the results until October. Long wait. I entered in the Personal Essay category and the Poetry category. After I sent them in, I felt nauseous. I guess that's normal. I probably wouldn't have found the courage to send off this year except that another friend was entering too. It held me accountable.

Now, only 36 more articles/stories to send off before my birthday deadline! :) Not sure I'm going to make that one.

Compartments

When I was young, I used to separate my food. I didn't want the peas to touch the mashed potatoes. I ate one little section at a time until I was finished with my meal. Nowadays, I could care less if it's all mushed up together, but I wonder if I started a pattern back then. It seems that in my life, I section off who I am and work with parts of myself one at a time.

For example, it seems that if I'm doing good in the Wife department, then I may be doing bad in the Mom department. Or perhaps the Housekeeper me is keeping everything clean (which could only be a miracle) but Teacher me is struggling. I swear it seems that if one section is succeeding then inevitably another is failing. Why can't I get all those balls in the air and juggle them at once?

My 21 Days are up on my screenplay deadline. I just cut eight pages. Ouch. I'm finished, sort of. Not sure if I ever truly FINISH a writing. It doesn't matter how many times I read it, I always change something. But maybe that's the process. Kind of like life.

Perhaps all those compartmentalized moments are like scenes in my life play. I have to be willing to let myself have the ups and the downs to get through any Act of my life. Deep down I know what I must do. Congratulate myself for the balls in the air and forgive myself for the rest.

Revisions, Revisions, Revisions

She sits at the computer humped over her many words, 127 pages of words to be exact. She burrows her brow in concentration as she attempts to revise more of her screenplay.

OPTIMISTIC ME
I love this scene!

CRITIC ME
This is idiodic!

OPTIMISTIC ME
But we need this scene, otherwise they won't know...

CRITIC ME
Cut it! It's ------!

OPTIMISTIC ME
Well, that one part is a little slow. I'll cut half the scene.

CRITIC ME
Whatever. It's never going anywhere anyway.

OPTIMISTIC ME
It doesn't matter if it goes anywhere; the point is that I'm doing it. It's been fun. Don't be so mean!

CRITIC ME
You call revising fun?

OPTIMISTIC ME
Well, it is work. But it's nice to be on this end of it.

CRITIC ME
Could we get back to work here, my shoulder is aching.

OPTIMISTIC ME
As soon as I finish this post.

CRITIC ME
You're writing a post about this?

OPTIMISTIC ME
Well, yes. It's all I can think of.

CRITIC ME
Lame.

OPTIMISTIC ME
When you have an idea, let me know.

Critic Me is finally silent.

Page 100

I am on page one hundred in my first attempt at a screenplay. For those who don't know, usually a screenplay is around 120 pages. Every page equates one minute of screentime, so 120 pages=120 minutes. I'm almost to my finish line. I feel like I have been eating, drinking and breathing this story. I'm a little obsessive about my stories sometimes.

Being that this is only the "random" draft, since I'm attempting to write straight through without stopping, I still have a long way to go until I am completely finished. I look forward to my revision stage. I love being able to rework it.

Just wanted to keep you posted (since it also holds me accountable).

What Goes Up...

Deep black where

No light glows.

I feel lost

As one unaided.

My dark friend,

You greet me.

Wish I could

Let you go.

Despise you, failure.

Weary of struggle.

Faced with illusions,

Why want reality?

Long to veil

My relentless anguish.

Cannot mask it,

But I try.

Rejection Slip

You might think, by my title, that this is a bad thing. But ironically, my first rejection slip has excited and inspired me. For whatever reason, I feel more like a writer because of it. My first thought was -- NEXT! I pulled out my card to see what my second magazine choice was for this article. I am going to send it off again. AND, I'm going to continue to write.

I am working on a screenplay at the moment. I know, I skip around so much. But, I've wanted to try my hand at this for awhile and I try to write where I'm interested. I figure, why fight it? The experience has been exhillarating, frustrating, exhausting, invigorating and most of all it has pushed me past myself. I made a commitment to write it in 21 days and I'm not stopping myself even if I hate parts of it. There will be time to go back and re-do.

Oddly enough, my weight is slowly going down. I say slowly because it's only 1/2 a pound to 1 pound a week. But I'm just happy that it's going in the down direction. I saw a number this week that I've not seen for five years. I almost cried.

Okay, I'll end my Pollyanna post. But I thought that while I was up, I might as well share my happiness. There will be plenty of dark days ahead, I'm sure. Ask me how it's going ten days into this screenplay. ;)

The Word

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." John 1:1

That verse has always puzzled me and quite honestly, I never found much from it to extract. But this weekend I was reading a book that made this part of the Bible really stand out to me. The author talked in depth about God being the Word. In light of how much I love words, I can't believe that it never hit me like it did in that moment. He is creator, author, WORD. I absolutely love that. AND I especially love how everything He created began with a WORD.

He gets me.

I never understood how much.

(I know this sounds totally self-absorbed because many people write and love words, but I can't help it, it feels personal to me in a way it never has before.)

LOST News Report

Last night the show Lost redeemed itself in an amazing turn of pace. The founder of the "land of the LOST" club said,"I was able to sleep well last night knowing the writers have returned to their original passion and I look forward to the unraveling of the mysteries in weeks to come." --LITERATURE LOVER'S Journal, March 8, 2007

Beginning of March

I can't believe that it's already March! Man, this year is flying by. Okay, I need to retract my goals for writing. I tried to get four articles out in one week and found that I was WAY over my head. I think I'll go back to my original goal and be happy.

For those of you holding me accountable, I will update you on my new year's resolutions. #1 - Had my physical and a scare about diabetes. But everything finally checked out well. I don't have diabetes. I will consider this my wake-up call. I have continued walking and eating more healthy. #2 - I have been writing (almost) every day. #3 - Sent articles off but need to continue this process. #4 - Ironically, my fun time with the kids has centered around my excercise each day. We've been walking/rollerblading/biking together and it's been a blast! #5 - As far as losing weight, it is coming off slowly, too slowly for my taste. But, I figure I didn't get overweight overnight, so I'm not going to lose it overnight either. Bummer. :)

I must say that again, my LOST show let me down. Whaaa! I look forward to this show every week and up until the last few weeks, I have been happy with it. But, if something doesn't turn around quick, I am going to have tomatoes ready to throw at the television for the next "land of the LOST" party. Grrr.

I Have A Confession

Okay, I have a confession to make that will shock some of you. Last night the LOST episode was lame. (Close your mouth) I know, I know, you can't believe that I'm saying that but I am. It was a letdown. Last week's episode - awesome. This week's - not! Come on, LOST writers, bring back some of that first season charm.

Although, that did not stop those of us watching it from having a great time.

Submissions Sent

I mailed two magazine articles today. Eeeeee! I'm actually amazed that I've done it (it only took sixteen years). Now, it will be months before I receive that rejection letter -er, I mean, contract letter. ;) But I am just excited that I've overcome my fear enough to send them off.

My original goal was to send forty manuscripts off before my fortieth birthday. Now I have a new goal (which hopefully isn't too high). I want to send four a week - for ten weeks. This will move me along much more quickly. Perhaps I could even get something PUBLISHED before my birthday, but I shouldn't get ahead of myself...

land of the LOST

I promised a little while back that when the television show, LOST, came back on the air, that I would host a LOST club. Well, I am keeping that promise. So, for those of you that know me and love the show LOST, you are welcome to come to my house Wednesday night at 9:00 (or a little before, because I probably won't get up to open the door for you if it is started - just kidding, sort of). You may stay afterwards for discussion if you like. We are calling the club, Land of the LOST. My husband named it and I'm kind of wondering if it's a slam. Anyhow...I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!

(Yes, I'm addicted, tell me something I don't know.)

It's been awhile...

Well, it's been awhile. I swear, I have great intentions. But then you can't really read them, huh? Lately I've been writing a lot (just not in the blogosphere).

Can I just say how much I love to write? Man! I love it. Stories pop in my head like a movie and sometimes I can hardly type fast enough to get them down. I told one friend about a story I'd been working on and she asked to see it.

"Ummm, no." After all, it's only a rough draft. I haven't even edited it. No one, outside of family, has ever read my stories. Articles yes, but not my babies, my stories. It's not finished. It's not perfect.

She persisted.

I felt fear take hold of me. What if she read it and thought it was completely corny? What if she hated it, but didn't want to hurt my feelings? She promised that she would be honest.

I sent her the story.

I spent the entire next day on pins and needles. I asked myself why it mattered so much to me. After all, it's only one person's opinion. But there was that nagging fear that if she hated it, then what I've always feared inside would be true: I am not a writer.

Okay, I know that sounds silly because, if you write, you're a writer. So maybe what I mean is that I would not be a good writer.

She called me late that afternoon. She said, "I'm calling about your story. Here is my humble opinion," (Humble opinion? Oh no, she's trying to diminish her opinion because she hated it!)

"Yes?" I said.

"I loved it! I only got halfway through and I can't wait to read the rest."

What?!!! Oh my gosh, she read it and actually liked it! Yippee!!!!!! I cannot tell you how high that made me. I don't think there is a drug in the universe that could have given me that kind of upper.

Now, does that mean that I am a great writer? No. But, the fact that there could be people out there who enjoy my stories, means that somehow in the world I am understood.

They get me.

It's good to be got.

Icy Days

Since it sleeted for almost an entire weekend, we are covered in ice. Our power did not go out, thank goodness! Fortunately for me, I had just checked out from the library a book of the complete works of Jane Austin and have been deliciously savoring it to the dismay of my family. For some reason they seem to think that I'm not as attentive when I have a good book in hand. :)

The kids are wanting to go sledding today so we'll see. I'm not as excited about it because I HATE to be cold. L However, my husband is off work today so he may take them. Hmm, this may work to my advantage.

Everyone out of the house sledding. Quiet enough to read Pride and Prejudice without interruptions. And cold enough for a hot cup of coffee. THAT, my friends would be a perfect day!

Who knows though, I might weather the cold after all...

New Year!

Happy New Year!

I know I'm a little late, but better late than never, right? :) So, New Year's resolutions? Yes, I have them. I'm not sure if that's good or not since they are usually so difficult to keep. However, I love the fresh start. There is something about a new beginning that always gives me hope. The first day of every month, and the first day of every week are always inspiring. It's not that I'm an optimist but I just need a lot of re-starts. L

New Year Resolution #1 - this year taking care of others includes taking care of me. I know that sounds selfish. But my reason is that I don't want anyone else getting the joy of raising my children. I want to be around for a long time. So, the first part of this is making appointments for physicals. Second is to walk (which I've actually been doing, even though it is only in small increments). Third, watch what I eat. I'm beginning to see different ways that food affects me negatively so I'm trying to be careful with the sugar and caffine.

New Year Resolution #2 - Write often. I'm talking about articles or stories.

New Year Resolution #3 - Send the articles off! This seems logical but is so hard to do. They never seem ready enough. So I'm going to give myself a certain amount of revisions, stop there and send it.

New Year Resolution #4 - Make fun time with my children a part of every day. By this I mean purposeful time. We have fun throughout the day but they long for me to just play with them and often I feel I'm too busy. So I'm trying to schedule a play time with each of them, even if it's short. I'm realizing that life is short. My oldest is turning 12 in a few days and it's gone so fast! I don't want to look back with regret on not spending enough one-on-one with them.

New Year Resolution #5 - Lose weight. I know that sounds so predictable. However, I have a marker birthday this year and I want to give myself a new body.

So, how's that for setting myself up? :)