I Have A Confession

Okay, I have a confession to make that will shock some of you. Last night the LOST episode was lame. (Close your mouth) I know, I know, you can't believe that I'm saying that but I am. It was a letdown. Last week's episode - awesome. This week's - not! Come on, LOST writers, bring back some of that first season charm.

Although, that did not stop those of us watching it from having a great time.

Submissions Sent

I mailed two magazine articles today. Eeeeee! I'm actually amazed that I've done it (it only took sixteen years). Now, it will be months before I receive that rejection letter -er, I mean, contract letter. ;) But I am just excited that I've overcome my fear enough to send them off.

My original goal was to send forty manuscripts off before my fortieth birthday. Now I have a new goal (which hopefully isn't too high). I want to send four a week - for ten weeks. This will move me along much more quickly. Perhaps I could even get something PUBLISHED before my birthday, but I shouldn't get ahead of myself...

land of the LOST

I promised a little while back that when the television show, LOST, came back on the air, that I would host a LOST club. Well, I am keeping that promise. So, for those of you that know me and love the show LOST, you are welcome to come to my house Wednesday night at 9:00 (or a little before, because I probably won't get up to open the door for you if it is started - just kidding, sort of). You may stay afterwards for discussion if you like. We are calling the club, Land of the LOST. My husband named it and I'm kind of wondering if it's a slam. Anyhow...I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!

(Yes, I'm addicted, tell me something I don't know.)

It's been awhile...

Well, it's been awhile. I swear, I have great intentions. But then you can't really read them, huh? Lately I've been writing a lot (just not in the blogosphere).

Can I just say how much I love to write? Man! I love it. Stories pop in my head like a movie and sometimes I can hardly type fast enough to get them down. I told one friend about a story I'd been working on and she asked to see it.

"Ummm, no." After all, it's only a rough draft. I haven't even edited it. No one, outside of family, has ever read my stories. Articles yes, but not my babies, my stories. It's not finished. It's not perfect.

She persisted.

I felt fear take hold of me. What if she read it and thought it was completely corny? What if she hated it, but didn't want to hurt my feelings? She promised that she would be honest.

I sent her the story.

I spent the entire next day on pins and needles. I asked myself why it mattered so much to me. After all, it's only one person's opinion. But there was that nagging fear that if she hated it, then what I've always feared inside would be true: I am not a writer.

Okay, I know that sounds silly because, if you write, you're a writer. So maybe what I mean is that I would not be a good writer.

She called me late that afternoon. She said, "I'm calling about your story. Here is my humble opinion," (Humble opinion? Oh no, she's trying to diminish her opinion because she hated it!)

"Yes?" I said.

"I loved it! I only got halfway through and I can't wait to read the rest."

What?!!! Oh my gosh, she read it and actually liked it! Yippee!!!!!! I cannot tell you how high that made me. I don't think there is a drug in the universe that could have given me that kind of upper.

Now, does that mean that I am a great writer? No. But, the fact that there could be people out there who enjoy my stories, means that somehow in the world I am understood.

They get me.

It's good to be got.

Icy Days

Since it sleeted for almost an entire weekend, we are covered in ice. Our power did not go out, thank goodness! Fortunately for me, I had just checked out from the library a book of the complete works of Jane Austin and have been deliciously savoring it to the dismay of my family. For some reason they seem to think that I'm not as attentive when I have a good book in hand. :)

The kids are wanting to go sledding today so we'll see. I'm not as excited about it because I HATE to be cold. L However, my husband is off work today so he may take them. Hmm, this may work to my advantage.

Everyone out of the house sledding. Quiet enough to read Pride and Prejudice without interruptions. And cold enough for a hot cup of coffee. THAT, my friends would be a perfect day!

Who knows though, I might weather the cold after all...

New Year!

Happy New Year!

I know I'm a little late, but better late than never, right? :) So, New Year's resolutions? Yes, I have them. I'm not sure if that's good or not since they are usually so difficult to keep. However, I love the fresh start. There is something about a new beginning that always gives me hope. The first day of every month, and the first day of every week are always inspiring. It's not that I'm an optimist but I just need a lot of re-starts. L

New Year Resolution #1 - this year taking care of others includes taking care of me. I know that sounds selfish. But my reason is that I don't want anyone else getting the joy of raising my children. I want to be around for a long time. So, the first part of this is making appointments for physicals. Second is to walk (which I've actually been doing, even though it is only in small increments). Third, watch what I eat. I'm beginning to see different ways that food affects me negatively so I'm trying to be careful with the sugar and caffine.

New Year Resolution #2 - Write often. I'm talking about articles or stories.

New Year Resolution #3 - Send the articles off! This seems logical but is so hard to do. They never seem ready enough. So I'm going to give myself a certain amount of revisions, stop there and send it.

New Year Resolution #4 - Make fun time with my children a part of every day. By this I mean purposeful time. We have fun throughout the day but they long for me to just play with them and often I feel I'm too busy. So I'm trying to schedule a play time with each of them, even if it's short. I'm realizing that life is short. My oldest is turning 12 in a few days and it's gone so fast! I don't want to look back with regret on not spending enough one-on-one with them.

New Year Resolution #5 - Lose weight. I know that sounds so predictable. However, I have a marker birthday this year and I want to give myself a new body.

So, how's that for setting myself up? :)

Christmas Party

There are those who seemingly host parties with their hands behind their back.

Then there's me.

I am not one of those organized, house-always-clean kind of women. So when it comes to parties, I end up needing to clean a little bit more than a normal person. You know the famous dash and stash? Not to mention the other things like: vacuum the mounting dog hair, put away piles of trash--ur, I mean--artwork, clear the clutter, re-organize the kids rooms and my favorite, move furniture!

Move furniture? You ask. Yes. I say. Because graphing out where the furniture should go and moving it is much more fun than actually cleaning. Can anyone say, procrastination?

The trouble with procrastination is that it puts you on a needless frantic schedule to get everything done which can often lead to your head popping off. Or at least feeling as though it could. Translation: Migraine.

The funny thing is that as much as it takes for someone as unorganized as me to put on a party, it is well worth the time. I love the sound of the slow rise of voices as more and more friends enter the room. We had about 45 people in our home (including the kiddos) tettering soup and goodies on their laps talking and laughing.
And the great side effect is that my house will be clean for Christmas.

Well, mostly clean. ;)

The Forest

I am reading a book right now (well, one of many) called, The Forest for the Trees, about writers and the struggles of writing from an editor's viewpoint. While I have only been published one measly time in a small publication, I still consider myself a writer. I figure if you write, then you're a writer. Writing is a passion of mine and though I don't necessarily keep up with writing this blog (hee-hee), I have a very thick file in my word processor of articles, chapters, poems, thoughts, greeting card ideas, outlines and the like.

When I first started reading said book, I felt as if the author could see into my soul. It was freaky. Here are some of my favorite lines from the book:


I know a lot of writers who beat themselves up on a regular basis, either for not writing or for not writing well enough.

The natural writer is the one who is always writing, if only in his head--sizing up a situation for material, collecting impressions. James Thurber confessed, "I never quite know when I'm not writing. Sometimes my wife comes up to me at a party and says, 'Dammit, Thurber, stop writing.' She usually catches me in the middle of a paragraph.

Writers love to worry. By their very nature they are neurotic.


See people? I have an excuse. ;)

Words

I have long been a lover of words. Even when I was very young I would try to invent new words in the hopes that they would one day end up in the dictionary. "Gont" was one of them. I have long forgotten what the meaning was but I recall the joy of creating words.

Perhaps the act of creating is the most significant part of writing or reading a passage. The joy of sharing in someone else's thoughts or their perspective in a story. Even more the excitement of pouring your own soul into a thought and letting another glimpse your heart through the window of words.

As C.S. Lewis, one of my favorite authors, writes from his book, Prince Caspian:

"I think I'll have to go right back to the beginning and tell you how Caspian grew up in his Uncle's court and how he comes to be on our side at all. But it'll be a long story."
"All the better," said Lucy. "We love stories."

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Sis!
God knew what he was doing putting us in the womb together. You're an incredible friend. I can't imagine my life without you, after all, sharing CAN be fun!

Happy Birthday Bro! (tomorrow)
And what could I have done without a baby brother to kiss and boss around? You keep me laughing.

I love you both. This song is for you. :)

Shall I Not Drink It?

When Peter sees that Judas has a whole army of people ready to take Jesus, he makes a sad attempt of fighting by cutting off the ear of the servant of the High Priest. Jesus puts the ear back on and heals the man. Then he turns to Peter.

"But Jesus said to Peter, "Put your sword back into its sheath. Shall I not drink from the cup of suffering the Father has given me?"

Wow. He had someone ready to fight to keep him from hurting and he stopped them. Then he even rebukes Peter with the fact that if God wants him to drink this cup of suffering, should he not do it? I whine about the littlest thing. I've not been asked to die a horrible death (yet). But I fight and cry at each little suffering that is handed to me. This morning as I read this, it humbled me and gave me courage. I would like a heart that's ready to say, "Shall I not drink it?"

Sunday

Sunday. It only comes once a week but how much I love it! I couldn't say that five years ago. In fact, I dreaded church with a passion. I had to push and prod my little ones to get ready. Once I got to church, I would seeth and almost wretch during the sermon. I was full of frustration.

But now, it's different. I wake my children up. If they're still sleepy and slowly creeping out of bed, all I have to say is, "Today is Sunday". Their eyes grow wide with excitement. "It's Sunday?!" They jump out of bed as if their life depended on it and frantically start getting ready. Then they hurry me.

Why is it so different? You might ask. Oh, I could never name the many ways. So I'll just name a few. It's real. People are truthful and gutwrenchingly open. The pastors speak from the heart. They don't preach AT you and they don't yell. They simply share. Everyone is welcome. Really. Not just in word. I leave refreshed and ready to face my week. And, I can wear jeans.

I love Sunday.

Addicted To Lost

I might as well face it, I'm addicted. I love this show. Wednesday has turned into LOSTday.

On A Roll

Yes, I know. Two blogs in a row is extremely rare for me. But today something happened that doesn't happen often in this house so I felt the need to blog about it. Ready? This afternoon, I had one solid hour of quiet. I took the advice of my sister and alloted one hour in the afternoon for quiet play. Each child has their own place. Two of my children share a room but I put one of them in my room to seperate them. See how that works? They cannot fight if they are not together.

There are only four tiny rules:
1.) They may choose their activity but it must be quiet (i.e. books, paper dolls, blocks).
2.) They must be quiet. They cannot talk to each other.
3.) They cannot come to me (unless it is a DIRE emergency, i.e. bleeding profusely).
4.) If they MUST go to the restroom (which you wouldn't think they would given that it is one mere hour, but my children are famous for having to go to the bathroom often), they must go quietly.

See a theme here?

As my children began to grow out of the toddler years (they are many years past them now), I knew there was something I was missing. At first I thought it was the longing for a new little one. But now I've finally realized what it was -- naptime! So I've decided that quiet time has now replaced naptime. Today, in the length of time they were in their quiet play, I got dishes cleaned, floor swept, dinner started and a Bible tape listened to. And you know what the amazing thing was? They liked it!

This is definitely staying on our schedule.

If you're still there...

Okay, so it's almost been a complete month since I wrote anything. You know how when you've waited awhile to write, you keep thinking you need something really great to write? So you keep procrastinating and never get around to sharing anything because no matter what you're thinking it's never good enough? Well, I think that's what's happened to me.

So tonight I decided that I was just going to write. This may go nowhere but at least that blasted dog story will not be the first post on my blog anymore.

Lately, I have become more aware of myself withdrawing. I do this when I feel manipulated, angry, hurt or I'm tired. I know it's wrong. So I am trying desperately to change. Instead of automatically getting angry and shutting down, I'm trying to be more honest in the moment. That has its own struggles since I don't think too fast on my feet. But since I've seen more of my pattern, I notice what I'm doing as I'm doing it and I've been able to stop myself quicker. It's hard! It's like trying to learn to write correctly when you've written incorrectly your entire life.

I'm also learning about spiritual disciplines. That's all I'll say about that because everytime I try to write more about it, it comes out really trite. I can't seem to truly express what I want to say. Maybe I'll figure it out later and can write more on that subject.

Well, it's getting late and I've got to get up early to teach my kiddos school in the morning. Have a great week!

Old Dog; New Tricks

We have an older dog that some friends gave us several months ago. My children absolutely love her and I find myself enjoying her too. The fact that I actually like her is no small miracle, just ask anyone in my family. The most hated chore around here is having to scoop poop. The kids have to do it and with a big dog comes big--- well, you know. I have contemplated this for awhile and decided that I want her to learn to poop in our side yard. No one ever goes there except Hubby when he's mowing. I figure if it's all together it will be easier to gather and if we have young children over they will not be stepping in it while playing in the main yard.

So today I put her on a leash every time she went out and took her to the side yard. She was very excited at first thinking we were going for a walk. But as the day wore on she was not so thrilled with the leash. After a long morning of trying to get her to go, she finally peed in the right area. I had treats ready! The rest of the day she continued to pee there but was still not going number two. Somewhere late in the evening, she finally gave in and pooped in the proper place. Yippee!! I guess you really can teach an old dog new tricks. Or perhaps we just have an unbelieveably brilliant dog. :)

Update

It's been ever so long since I've blogged. I'm not sure why it's been so tough to sit down again. I haven't even been able to keep up with some of my favorite bloggers and for that I'm sorry. I will try to catch up!

I just wanted to update you all on my progress as of late. Not too long ago I shared my struggle with being a glutton. It's really more than that, it's an overall feeling that I deserve things to go my way. I feel God has been showing me so much about surrendering. Surrender to Him and His plans whether or not I understand them. It's difficult. I fight it so hard.

I felt led to fast for some days to seek Him and take the focus off myself or food. I cried before I started because I really didn't want to do it. I tell you this only to explain my journey. I pray it isn't for bragging rights. It broke me. Fasting has a way of doing that. You're suddenly not as strong as you thought you were. I felt weak and a shaky. It made me realize how 1/3 of the world feels daily. No wonder they struggle. It improved my compassion. If you'd like to read more about fasting, I love what Mark Buchanan says about it.

Throughout those struggling days I began to see how desperately I depended on God when He was my only strength and I didn't have chocolate to save me. I continue to learn about how to submit. It's so difficult. I wish there was a way to do it once and be forever done. I continue to walk baby step by baby step. On the upside, I am steadily loosing weight in very SMALL portions but at least the scale is going down. I am loosing inches too. Again, I'm not trying to brag but it's such a victory in my life that I have to give glory to God. I will say that it's improved my faith. Hopefully not just because things are going good but because I saw in a very miniscule way how through pain, I can learn to trust Him.

Well, I've rambled enough. I guess I'm making up for lost time. ;) Hope to read up on all of you soon!

Jump

I was reading a book that continues to call me to "think". He was talking about how we often avoid studying Scripture because of how hard it is to comprehend. I completely relate to this. There is so much in Scripture that I cannot get a grasp of. I have struggled through feeling as though I must be able to understand it before I will believe it.

However, lately the question that continues to haunt me is this: If I can't understand Him, can I believe Him? In our American society we are so accustomed to having things explained or demanding that they are, that it's hard for me to depart from that. Can I take the jump and just have faith? Will I embrace a God that seems cruel and unexplanable sometimes? Must I agree with everything about Him before I stand in awe of who He is?

I MUST embrace Him. His love, His sacrifice, His anger, His jealousy, His mercy, His holiness, His vengance, His forgiveness, His power, His strength, His judgement. I have nothing else to hold onto if I don't have Him.

At this moment, I am willing to embrace it. As frightening and exciting as it is, I'm ready to jump off the cliff of doubt into the air of faith.

Revived

Yesterday was a strange day for me. I woke up so dizzy that I kept bumping into walls. The dizziness made me feel ill so I laid back down. I got to feeling better so I got up; then I felt the wave of yuck come over me, so I quickly lay down again. That was pretty much my entire day. I had to do school from my bed. The kids enjoyed doing something different. I kept having bouts of nauseous come over me so I would send them away for awhile while I rested. To keep my sanity, I did the unthinkable; I let them watch movies, watch television and play video games. Gasp! And during the schoolweek. They loved it! To keep myself occupied I read a book, in between dizzy spells, that I'd been aiming to read for awhile. That was my only work of the day; I thoroughly enjoyed it.

This morning I woke up amazingly refreshed. I have no sign of dizziness today. It must have been a weird virus. Strange. Now I find myself wanting to catch up on everything that I didn't get done yesterday, plus some! I'm dying to accomplish anything. L

Revived

Yesterday was a strange day for me. I woke up so dizzy that I kept bumping into walls. The dizziness made me feel ill so I laid back down. I got to feeling better so I got up; then I felt the wave of yuck come over me, so I quickly lay down again. That was pretty much my entire day. I had to do school from my bed. The kids enjoyed doing something different. I kept having bouts of nauseous come over me so I would send them away for awhile while I rested. To keep my sanity, I did the unthinkable; I let them watch movies, watch television and play video games. Gasp! And during the schoolweek. They loved it! To keep myself occupied I read a book, in between dizzy spells, that I'd been aiming to read for awhile. That was my only work of the day; I thoroughly enjoyed it.

This morning I woke up amazingly refreshed. I have no sign of dizziness today. It must have been a weird virus. Strange. Now I find myself wanting to catch up on everything that I didn't get done yesterday, plus some! I'm dying to accomplish anything. L