Always on Your Side

God has been showing me many things lately. He has shown me incredible grace during this last week. This song resonated with me. Maybe it doesn't match exactly to my circumstance, but I love it anyway. Supermom and Bttrfly, I send this out to you. Here are the lyrics:

"Always On Your Side"

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
But every now and then you come to mind
Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side

Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
But my demons and my angels reappeared
Leavin' all the traces of the man you thought I'd be
Too afraid to hear the words I'd always feared
Leavin' you with only questions all these years

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wondering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side

Just Give Me A Formula!!

I have definitely felt some moments of desperation lately with my parenting. Slowly God has been revealing to me that our problems are rooted in me. I would rather Him just give me three steps to make really great kids and be done with it. But unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. These problems are bound inside my heart and they demonstrate themselves through me and then reflect in my children. Those sweet little mirrors.

Submit. Man, how I love and hate that word! In my head I know that submitting to God is taking the pathway of peace. But in my heart is another path I like to take. The I-Know-Best path. I am such a control freak. I didn't think I was, but it's come bubbling to the surface through all this struggling. Yuck!

I want control of my husband, kids, family, friends, etc. It's not that I truly believe myself to be the most intelligent person in the world but I guess I must think fairly highly of myself since I always want things done MY way. Or maybe that's just selfishness.

Okay, I'm almost finished with my rant. One thing that has been so wonderful about this "working through" is that I am beginning to see my need for rest. That resting in Him that settles me. It's that moment of being held by a loved one through a turbulent time; it calms me. I wish I could stay there and never get up. Maybe the process is just learning to get back there and stay a little longer each time.

So, I'm beginning to see that as God parents me, so must I parent my children. I can't teach them what I haven't allowed God to teach me.

Why I Love Avril Lavigne!

I know that I will probably get some rebuttals on this, but I can't help it. I love the passion with which the girl sings. The fact that she writes all her own music. The depth of her lyrics. Her honesty. Her anger.

I know that anger is an odd thing to love about a person, but I do. I can be an angry woman sometimes. I hate that the world isn't perfect. I want the garden of Eden. NOT the remnants! I want to live in perfection. NOT have to BE perfect. I want to be passionate. NOT fearful.

If I were only forty pounds lighter and twenty years younger, I might go on the road with my angry songs.

For Want of a Mentor

I have been thinking lately that I need a mentor. You know, someone ahead of me in the game of life that will walk me through what's coming. Someone whose children my little ones could look up to. I need that wife, mother, and friend that could admonish me to be everything God wants. I want them to be like-minded. Is that so bad? Not that they have to think everything that I do, but that we see major things in life through the same lense.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I have many wonderful friends and family members who love me, inspire me and journey with me. But most of us are peers. And there is something to be said about that older woman, living in the same town, that could show me things that I don't know. Or even challenge me when they see weakness in my life.

Since we are part of a church plant, many of our members are young. I love that. They add vitality and life to our tiny congregation. BUT, that makes me one of the oldest women in our church. I don't feel particularly suited for that. :) It's not a bad fact, it's just a fact. I guess lately I've noticed my need for guidance more than ever and I'm feeling desperate. So, I've started praying for a mentor. Isn't it funny that being desperate always leads to prayer? I guess I should have started praying BEFORE I was desperate. Oh well...

Camp GonnaWannaFLY

Today was our second day in Camp GonnaWannaFLY. Yes, I know it sounds cheesy, but it's working! It's a great idea from Flylady (yes, I'm talking about her again). We are working on our morning routine and evening routine. Everyday that we acheive the routines withOUT reminders, we have something fun we get to do. I talked with my kids on Saturday, we voted on the ideas and we made a list.

Sunday: Arts and Crafts
Monday: Skating Rink
Tuesday: Backwards Day/Sprinkler Park
Wednesday: Library
Thursday: Swimming
Friday: Scavenger Hunt
Saturday: Games

It is working wonders for me and the kids because no one wants to have to sit out on the fun. I'll admit that the skating rink today definitely took me back! At first I was all mothering and making sure Little Mister could skate without killing himself. But after he got the hang of things, I took off to race my girls. It was so much fun! I actually started remembering how it felt to be little and go fast around the rink. That neverending circle of fun! We have Backwards day tomorrow AFTER they have finished all their chores (of course we won't do the "fun" thing before chores are finished). But we WILL have dessert first and then dinner. Walk backwards throughout the day and that sort of fun stuff. ;)

It's been good for me too because I'm actually making time to have fun and not stay busy all day. They enjoy my attention and seem happier to do chores knowing there is a treat on the horizon. As we were driving away from the rink today I heard my eldest daughter say, "Thanks Flylady!" Yeah, thanks Flylady.

Because of You

Well, it seems like I am blogging only once a week now. That may have to be my schedule for awhile. I seem to be struggling to get to the computer lately. My house is calling; my kids are calling; nature is calling; you get the point. But I guess I'll be happy with one blog a week. My sister was visiting this week and we had the greatest time! We always do. :)

She introduced me to this video. The song has been on my mind a lot. It is funny how people can shape who you are even what you're afraid of. When I hear this song, I think of people in my past, boyfriends, friends, family and enemies that shaped so much of who I am. I wish I could say that they didn't shape me, but that I shaped myself. That wouldn't be honest. The older I get the more I recognize what IS me and what is NOT me. That's good I guess. But then I watch my kids and I wonder what will shape them. Even though I had a wonderful childhood, I still had my share of heartbreak and betrayal. I'm sure that all of us could sing this song to someone in our lives.

I once had the opportunity to confront someone who'd really hurt me. He was truly repentant and broken when I approached. It made it a little easier to forgive. To move on. That doesn't always happen, I know. And there is something in me that loves anger. I like the thrill of that feeling for a time. However, I can't stay there or I become bitter. I've learned the blame game is no game at all. It's a trap.

So, while I love this song, I have to pull back from it in the same moment. My fears might have been because of someone else in the past. But now, it's because of me. Maybe I am who I'm singing to after all.

I'm Baaaack!

We had such a great vacation. My kids absolutely loved flying! They were so cute to watch during take-off. Their faces were all excited like going down a hill of a roller coaster. Even turbulence was fun for them. Our first plane ride was a great experience. The stewardess brought a basket FULL of different snacks and encouraged everyone to have as many as they liked. My kids took full advantage! L

Our second day there, we camped out around the Grand Canyon. Camping out was fun which is a huge thing for a city girl like myself. The friends we were staying with, fixed incredible meals! It didn't taste like camp food.

We decided to go for a hike through the Grand Canyon. It was such an awesome sight. But the closer we got to the outlook spot, the higher my fear began to rise. There were no bars or fences to keep you from falling. So I was a nervous wreck about my kids. Husband held tight to the hands of our two little ones. My eldest daughter was busy snapping photos of everything and I had to keep reminding her to stay in the middle of the path.

As we reached the lookout point, there was a small bridge that you had to cross which DID have a railing but it was still fairly open. On the other side was the lookout point that had the same kind of railing and it jetted out so you could see the whole canyon. At that point my fear took full hold. I can say that I don't think I've ever been terrified like that before. I was hugging the rocks on the inside of the trail and praying my heart out while my kids and Husband crossed the bridge. I couldn't even bring myself to cross with them or even hardly move! I think I understand now why people fall to the ground when they see God. I got a small taste of the awesomeness. And now I know that I have a fear of heights. I was probably the quickest walker on the hike back down!

We went on lots of hikes which was fun and good for me to be walking. My kids did so great and they had fun being at one with nature. We were so busy going and doing that we hardly had time for anything else. I finally decided to forgo a hike and stayed behind. I walked around until I found a perfect place to sit. I sat in a beautiful spot by a roaring river to sketch, write and read. It was two hours of bliss!

Well, that is the quick version of my vacation. You may get to hear more later on. It was fun to get away. But it's been fun to be back. I'm such a homebody! L

Vacation

Tomorrow our family is leaving for vacation. So you probably won't be hearing from me for a week. I am so excited to get out of town and have some fun! We are flying to visit some friends. They are graciously hosting us and have planned lots of exciting and educational things for us to do. I think my kids are as excited about flying as they are about our trip. They don't remember flying before because they were so small. They've asked some pretty interesting questions about it.

"Mom, will we be able to open the windows on the plane?"

"Will there be outlets by our seats?"

"What kind of snacks do they give us?"

"If you go to the bathroom when you're in the air, where does it go?"

"What if the pilot puts the seatbelt sign on while you're going to the bathroom? Do they have seatbelts in the bathroom?"
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Cuties! They are so easily entertained. My husband says they get that from me. :} Hope you all have a great week!

Writing Again

In 1992, I completed a course, from the Institute of Children's Literature, on writing for children and teenagers that I really enjoyed. I wrote off and on from that point on, mostly for children and pre-adolescents. When my children were born, I found myself having to fit it in sporadically, and several years it was just non-exsistent. I have recently decided to seriously pursue it again.

I made it my goal to write something, articles or stories, everyday for fifteen minutes. I have to start small, you see. Sometimes those fifteen minutes turn into thirty minutes without even glancing at the clock. Other times it's all I can do to fill up the fifteen minutes. Odd how that works.

It feels like a treasure box has been opened that I've kept closed for awhile. It's thrilling, exciting and terrifying. The Writers Market book for 2007 comes out in July, so I'm anxiously awaiting it. In case you don't know what that is, it's a book that gives the names of publishing houses and editors to send your work to and what their requirements are. I want to have several pieces ready to send off by the time it arrives.

Nightime Muse

Too much coffee did I drink?
Too many thoughts I must think.
The bed is calling out my name.
My body plays different game.

Tomorrow morn will come too fast.
Time for sleeping will be past.
So a lesson I did learn.
Late night coffee I must spurn.

Your God Is Too Safe

I am restarting this book again by Mark Buchanan called Your God Is Too Safe. I'm restarting it because I always seem to get about halfway done and I put it away. It scares me or at the least, shakes me. I'm hoping this time that I can get farther or that it will not seem as hard to read.

A blogging friend of mine has been asking heartfelt questions about God and it's inspired me to struggle through my own questions more. Sometimes I get too sidetracked with life to bother looking so deep into my faith or lack thereof. But lately, something is stirring and I hope to make sense of it.

Garage Sale

We are holding a garage sale this weekend for any of you bargain hunters wanting to get a deal. We are doing it with/for some friends. Since I will probably not want to have another one for awhile, we have been in a frenzy to get as much of our stuff in it as possible. So I've been sorting through our house to get rid off anything I do not love. (Not to worry Mom, my special things are safely locked away in my hope chest and the china is staying.)

Then today we had an orthodonist appointment for both my girls. It was just the monthly check-up and they are both doing well. Since I was out already I decided to run by Bibliomania (a resale store for homeschool curriculum) to grab a book that I needed. That store is like the black hole for me because I find myself being sucked in wanting to buy more and more. I went in for one book and came out with two bags. Yes, I know, I DID say I was trying to get rid of stuff.

I guess these books can replace the ones that I'm getting rid of. Hee-hee. No seriously, they were books that I was needing for this year and most of them were off of the half-price racks. Great deals, see?

Then I needed to run to the Dollar Tree to get the price tag stickers for our stuff. To cut down on more temptation, I parked in front and sent my eldest daughter in alone with only enough cash to buy the stickers.

Tonight the girls and I are going to see The Lion King broadway production (someone gave us three free tickets!!). I cannot wait! Oh, and they're excited too. Little Mister is going to have some great one-on-one time with Daddy doing some boyish fun stuff.

Well, I better go. The house isn't getting any emptier while I sit here!

Mudman

Without snow, we must make do. My kids are loving the beautiful weather and making lots of things with mud. Needless to say, they've had lots of baths lately! I should probably just put a pool in the backyard and kill two birds with one stone. And in case you're wondering, yes, this IS school!

Jonah Syndrome

Tonight at Rivendell, we finished up the book of Jonah. I have really enjoyed this study for two reasons. One, it's entertaining. Two, I can relate to Jonah. I laugh at the end of Jonah when he FINALLY does what God tells him to do, then runs out and builds himself a booth from which to watch the destruction of Nineveh. He doesn't want them to repent. He's hoping that God will NOT change His mind but will follow through with the destruction. Instead, the people immediately repent. The king orders everyone to fast from food and water for three days hoping to pacify God. I can't imagine going three days without anything to drink!

God is merciful and doesn't destroy them. Jonah is on the sidelines watching and waiting. He longs for Nineveh to be destroyed and rightly so. He'd probably seen relatives brutally murdered or tortured by these people. He hated them and expected God to be on his side. But God didn't do what Jonah wanted. Instead, God brought to Jonah's attention that he cared more about the shade tree dying than he did about the people whom God could potentially destroy.

Jonah is so much like me. I listen for God to speak to me but then run when He asks something of me that I feel is unreasonable. What is He thinking?! I also have times of looking at others just as Jonah looked at the Ninevites and believe they deserve what's coming to them. But when I'm in the "hot seat", I beg and hope for mercy, just like Jonah in the belly of the great fish. (It always amazes me that it took him three days to repent. I think I would have been praying right away. But then again...)

I love the book of Jonah. He gets angry with God, just like me.

P.S. What is the deal with all the "3's"? He was in the belly of the fish for three days. The city of Nineveh was so large that it took three days to walk through it. The Ninevites fasted for three days. Of course Jesus was in the tomb for three days, so is there significance in the actual number three? I just thought of another one, the trinity.

Why Am I Thinking About School? It's Summer!

I tell you, I have been consumed with thinking about what I'm doing in school next year. Joyful Journey, you really got my thinker going! :) This is that time of year that I'm always re-evaluating what I've taught or not taught. I was having a moment of panic today and just poured my heart out to God. I decided to walk away from all my choices for a little while and calm down.

During the "calming down" time, I revisited my bookcases. I have so many good treasures there. I found one that I hadn't read. What's this? I sat down and began reading. A wave of relief rushed over me. I found exactly what I was looking for! (Unlike U2) Whew, Hubby will be glad that I'm not going to have spend more money. ;)

My Kids

I have really been missing my kids. I left town before they had even awakened last Thursday. They came up with Hubby two days later but I had been exposed to the "sickness" so we had to stay distant hoping they would not get it. We traveled apart - again trying to save them from getting ill. I didn't even tuck them in that Saturday night. We couldn't hug or anything. (Yes, I am a germ-a-phobe and if you saw how sick this Small Round Structured Virus makes a person, you would have had a phobia too!)

Late that night I got sick. So I was holed up in my room for two days. They were not allowed to even enter the room. Hubby was an excellent nurse and took very great care of me. Finally on Tuesday I felt strong enough to get up. But since this particular virus can still be contagious up to three days after the last symptom, we weren't taking chances. I kept them at a distance but it was SO HARD!!! I wanted to just hug the guts out of them and smother them with kisses. Today, being Wednesday, I'm still not giving kisses but I have given hugs. I'm missing them so much that I've just got to tell some stories.

Little Mister stood at my door the other night with the saddest (and cutest) expression. He said sorrowfully, "Mommy, I wish you could tuck us in. I just want you to give me kisses." Whaaaa!!! Me too, baby.

My little lady has been a little comedian. She kept me entertained from the door of my room by doing hilarious dances and routines. She also has an incredible voice. My eldest daughter and I have very similar voices, very low and raspy. But Little Lady is quite different. The girl has been able to sing very high notes and on pitch since she was tiny! She has a erethral voice that sounds similar to Charlotte Church. Last night she actually decided to do a concert for me. It was beautiful. It was hard to believe that such a powerful voice was coming out of an eight year old. She usually gets too embarrassed when I'm looking right at her. But for some reason, last night she just belted it out and kept singing. I was mesmerized. It was incredible. I think I should get her in voice lessons - or maybe not. She's doing pretty good on her own.

Little Miss has been an amazing help throughout all this! She has stepped up into the mothering role and helped assist her Daddy in taking care of the younger siblings. By Tuesday it was beginning to wear on her, so I took over from there. Yesterday she asked me to read my blog about Papaw aloud to her. I did it without crying. Then she asked if I could read the comments. I started to, but by the middle one tears started dripping. I told her I was sorry. She patted me and sweetly said, "That's okay Mom. It's alright if you cry." Precious girl. I'm glad she already knows it's okay to cry.

Now you can understand why I'm missing them. Tomorrow I'm kissing those sweet little cheeks, virus or no virus!

The World Minus One Great Man

My Grandpa died early Thursday morning. I was about 20 minutes away from the hospital when I got the call that he was gone. I cried good and hard those last twenty minutes. I've cried off and on ever since.

I couldn't tell you everything He meant to me because I wouldn't have room on the page no matter how long it was. But I can tell you a few things. First and foremost, my life will never be the same. As my Grandmother so perfectly put it, "It won't be any fun around here." Papaw could tell stories. He could have us all laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. He told a few stories that ended with scaring the fire out of you at the end and then you'd be breathless again with laughter. No wonder I love stories so much.

My favorite Papaw sayings were: "Well, law me!" and when I'd tell him I loved him he'd wink and say, "Well, I kinda like you, too!" wrapping his arms around me in a great big hug. Papaw was always handsome. He seemed to grow more attractive with age.

He was a pillar to me. I could never imagine life without him. I still can't. He'd tell my sister and me that he wanted us to sing at his funeral someday, and I'd tell him to stop talking morbid because I didn't want to think about it. We did sing at his funeral, today.

My Memaw and Papaw were married 67 years. That's longer than I've been alive. They loved each other dearly and have been an amazing example of what a marriage should be.

I've lost my Grandfather, my Godly example, my encourager, my teacher but most of all, my friend. When C.S. Lewis' wife died, a friend told him, "Life must go on." To which C.S. Lewis replied, "I don't know that it must, but it does." I know what he means.

Walking

My oldest daughter and I have been walking these last few weeks. It's been a good early-morning connection. We've had so much fun and I can tell she loves having me all to herself. I'm a captive audience. It's been good for me as well because I'm usually too tired at night to talk for long. So, on our strolls, I can catch up on her private world. One morning we even found a $10 bill. Talk about benefits of walking! ;)

Sorry, I'm not having much time to post lately. Hopefully I can catch up sometime soon.

N-N-N-NO!

This morning about mid-morning I started feeling really dizzy. I ate something to try to relieve it thinking that I hadn't eaten breakfast yet. Finally I decided to lay down until it went away. Little Lady came into my room and asked what was wrong. I told her it was nothing but a little dizzy spell.

"Dizzy spell? A dizzy spell?!! Yippee!!!! You're going to have a baby!!!!!" she squealed. Then she ran through the house cheering with glee and telling her other two siblings that I was going to have a baby.

"N-N-N-NO! Honey, I'm NOT going to have a baby. Sweetie, get back in here!" I shouted. Finally she made her way back still jumping for joy. I couldn't help laughing at her enthusiasm. I had to inform Little Miss and Little Mister that their sister was, in fact, mistaken.

When I finally got Little Lady to calm down I asked her what made her think that I was pregnant just because I had a dizzy spell.

"That's what happened to Ma on Little House on the Prairie. She was having dizzy spells and then she was pregnant!" She exclaimed.

That's it. No more watching Little House on the Prairie!

Confused

Last night our elderly neighbor lady came to our door wondering about her girls. She doesn't have any girls so I tried to clarify with her who she was talking about. She said it was her neice and nephew that she was watching. I asked her a few more questions and could tell she was confused. She talked to my kids sweetly as she always does and then told me if I saw the girls to have them come home.

Having a step-father-in-law with Alzheimers, I was worried about her so I watched her walk back to her house and go inside. I began to wonder if her husband was at home and since I didn't want her wandering off I went over to check.

Her husband answered the door. I told him what had happened and that I wanted to be sure everything was okay. He didn't even realize she'd left the house. Then he told me that she was confused. They had recieved pictures of their granddaughters that day and for some reason she had it in her head that they were actually there. He asked me to come inside and talk with her awhile and reassure her that there were no extra children at my house. So I came in and visited.

I hate that I had no clue that she was going through this. I'm not sure how long they've known she was ill. Having watched my Mother-in-Law tend her husband, I know that the caretaker gets very little rest. It's tiring to have someone constantly asking the same questions over and over. Plus the person with Alzheimers usually doesn't sleep well. Because of that it can be truly difficult for the caretaker to sleep restfully because they are worried their loved one will wander off. It's also difficult when the Alzheimer's patient gets something in their head that is not true but they believe it to be true. They are not easily convinced of the real truth. I am sorry for this sweet couple. They are precious people and I had wondered why I hadn't seen them out lately. I wish I would've checked on them earlier.

I'm hoping to be able to "sit" with her so he can have some time to himself. Or maybe just visit so he can talk with someone else. Pray for them. Pray for me to know how to minister to them.

The journey is the destination

The other night, Hubby brought home a movie for me to watch about the children in Uganda. To keep from being abducted and forced into the rebel army, thousands of children leave their villages every evening to walk to the city and sleep because there is more protection for them there. Thousands of children are crammed together on the floor of something like a garage parking lot without an adult in sight. Yet, these amazing children do their homework by candlelight and then fall asleep. They get up before dawn to start their journey back to the villages. They laugh. They dance and sing praising God because they made it another night without being captured.

I'll be honest, the night after I watched this movie I couldn't sleep very well. Here I worry about not having enough money to give my daughter an American Girl Birthday party or that two of my children actually have to share a room. I felt ashamed. It's continued to haunt me. I wish I could take those children and bring them into my house to be safe and have soft carpet to sleep on. It has definitely put things into perspective for me.

Please check out the Invisible Children website. I also recommend another great book on this subject is The Journey Is the Destination. It's the journal of a young photojournalist, Dan Eldon, who also wanted to bring the world's attention to the problems in Africa. He was killed while doing it and his mother published his journal.

Woman Reading

I have this exact picture hanging in my home. It was going to be thrown away by someone else when I salvaged it. One look at it and I was drawn in. I have enjoyed many moments of reading a book only to look up at the pretty woman in the picture doing the same thing. She stands for everything I want to be. She's a reader. She is elegant and beautiful. She's engrossed in the story. Needless to say when I found one that I could post online, I HAD to show it. Enjoy!

Passion

I have stated before how stories drive me. I have tried to understand why. The one common thing all stories have that impact me, is passion. I don't necessarily mean the love kind of passion.

Tonight I found myself again watching one of my favorite movies, Peter Pan. It's not the Disney version but the live action version. (If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. Although, due to some violent fighting, I don't let my younger children see it.) There is a scene where Peter Pan has been abandoned by all his friends except Tinkerbell. She saves his life and gives up her own. She dies in front of him and he is so broken. He lays her down, kneels beside her grabbing the dirt in agony, and then shouts, "Tiiiiiiiinnnnnnkk!!!". It is so moving. I know it's a fairytale but the pain is universal. His passion is what pulls at my heart strings.

Then there is another movie called, The Story of Us. It's about a marital struggle between a husband and wife. At the end, when you believe the relationship is lost there is a powerful scene where the wife turns to him and pours out her heart. She says that even if she wanted to start over she could never tell the "next guy" that their son looks like him. Or she could never say, "Remember when Julie threw up on the Washington monument?" She goes on referring to memories throughout their relationship. She ends it by telling him she doesn't want a divorce because she loves him. She says that while their marriage isn't perfect she can't imagine having anyone else with her but him. You hold your breath because his expression seems callous. But then he reaches for her and as they embrace he tells her that he loves her too and doesn't want to give up on "us". They both cry and I bawl like a baby EVERY time I see it. (I know, no surprise.)

Of course, I don't just like sad moments, I love any moment that a passionate heart finally connects with another human being. I LOVE the moment when Miss Daisy finally breaks down and tells her chauffeur that he is her very best friend. Or when Rocky triumphs over an unbeatable foe. Or when the knight in A Knight's Tale wins the tournament in the hearing of his blind father. THOSE are incredible moments.

Maybe it's because passionate moments are all around me. Like when my husband proposed and completely took me by surprise (it was HIS birthday, after all). I was so overcome with happiness that I, well you know, cried. Then I told him yes.

Or when my second daughter was born and they could not get her breathing. She was whisked out of the room with "Code Blue" being shouted over the intercom while my husband and I held each others hands in silence; I couldn't breath. That moment the door shut without hearing one cry from my baby girl covered me in fear. Then a few seconds (what seemed like hours) later when I heard her scream loud and clear down the hallway, suddenly I could breath and sob at the same time.

Or the moment when my husband said he felt led to start a church. It would mean great uncertainty for us but I felt like the girl in Titanic, "You jump, I jump."

The moment we found out his father had a brain tumor. They said it was cancerous and that he only had one year to live. He died one year later.

The moment I realized that my tiny baby girl had blossomed into a beautiful Little Miss and it was time to have THE talk.

The moment my Little Lady asked me how to believe in a God she couldn't see.

The moment when Little Mister made a picture of a girl. I commented on how pretty she was. He said, "I like them pretty. Like you, Mom!" And I melted into a puddle on the floor.

How can you not love story? Life would be boring without passion, don't you think?

Big

I had a realization last night that my little mister is really getting big. Why am I just now noticing it? Because he doesn't just let me kiss him whenever I want to anymore. Now he starts to squirm away when I'm being too affectionate. And it dawned on me last night that my time with that "little" one is moving on. Now I don't have any more babies and I'm moving into the later stages of life.

Maybe I'm just feeling emotional because my doctor told me last week at my thyroid checkup that I may be pre-menopausal. What?! ME? I'm too young. Plus he added that I'd gained a good amount of weight in just ONE year. I love it when the doctor is full of good news. :{

But back to what I was saying, there was a storm last night blowing through our town complete with Tornado watch. My little mister suddenly became "little" again. He wanted me to hold him and snuggle him. I cherished every moment and covered his cheeks in kisses until he asked me to stop.

Warning for those of you with babies: In the near future, I may need to hold your little one and give 'em a few kisses.

Tagged!

Heartsjoy tagged me to tell six random things about myself. So, here goes...

1. I wanted a red-headed child but they're all blond as sunlight. (Well, at least my husband is still red-headed.)

2. I'm a germ-a-phobe. I don't care if I know you and love you, I'm still NOT going to drink after you (unless I'm dying of thirst since dying of germs would be irrelevant at that point).

3. My mom and my sister, being true extroverts, taught me how to greet people and small-talk with the best of them. But deep at heart, I'm an introvert.

4. A pet peeve of mine is when someone is pretending to listen while they glance about the room. LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!!!

5. I get estatic about graph paper. I LOVE to graph stuff like rooms of the house and change the furniture around on paper.

6. I still bite my nails even though I'm trying to stop.

Okay, now I'm going to tag anyone reading this blog that would like to play this game. You're it!

If - Then and Blessing Charts

These are my two charts (found them at Doorposts). One is the If-Then chart, which shows IF my children choose wrongly THEN this will happen. The other one is a Blessing Chart. When they exemplify good character throughout the week or if I've seen a marked improvement on something that previously was a struggle, they will recieve a reward on Sunday.

Early Mornings

I haven't written anything serious for awhile because I haven't wanted to. I've had a bit of a rebellious heart. God has been showing me how I've been "eating the bread of idleness". I love to sleep, and I would much rather plan things than actually do the work. I'm lazy. I admit it. And it's wrong. So my conviction grew until I finally repented.

"Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where He prayed." Mark 1:35 Jesus did that?! Hmmm.

"At daybreak Jesus went out to a solitary place." Luke 4:42 I love that word, solitary. For me, it translates, "alone" and I love to be alone.

"She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls." Proverbs 31:14 My servant girls are my dishwasher, coffee maker, crockpot, oven, washer and dryer.

"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." Psalm 5:3

This is from the Message translation because I love how it's worded:
"First thing in the morning, she dresses for work, rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started." Proverbs 31:17 Eager? Well, God's working on me.

Starting this last Monday, I've been getting up at 5:00a.m. Shocking, I know. But as much as I hate to admit it, this night owl is beginning to enjoy her mornings. It's been such a jumpstart beginning my day with an hour to read, study and pray uninterrupted. Then I'm wide awake and able to get completely ready from head to shoe (she dresses for work). I begin my morning "workout" by swishing and swiping the bathroom before I leave it. I rush to the kitchen and get my "servant girls" started. I set the timer and hurry to tidy up all the hot spots that seem to collect clutter. I run through the front rooms (kids are still sleeping so I don't want to go into their rooms yet) throwing away any trash and collecting things that belong in another room for the kids to put away. My blood is pumping now and I grab a load of laundry to fold or put into the washer. I hurry to put clothes away. I start breakfast and begin working on dinner. By now it's time to get the kids up so I wake them and set the timer for 30 minutes while they do their morning chores. I rush back to the kitchen to set the table then check on dinner and laundry. I review my calendar to see what is ahead for the day and prepare anything needed for school. By the time my kids come to the table I am ready for another cup of coffee and I rejoice that my morning "workout" is done.

It's nothing short of a miracle for this sleepyhead!

The Church

This video really struck me as what the church should be. I love you, all my friends and blogging friends. This is dedicated to you.

Pink

Okay, I believe that I have officially trumped Heartsjoy and Supermom on the hair fiasco. I have a new way of dying my hair. Instead of using regular dye, why not try Easter egg dye? Yes, you read it right.

I was letting my children dye Easter eggs and they were very careful not to let any of it spill. We had foil underneath everything. Well, wouldn't you know it? As I was cleaning up, I spilled the hot pink color. It was on the table (yes, it stained but fortunately it was not my "good" table), on the floor (got most of it up) and all over my hands. Well, I must have unknowingly run my fingers through the back of my hair in a moment of frustration because at dinnertime Little Lady asked me why my hair was pink. "What?" I asked, thinking that surely she was joking. Nope! All my children agreed that I had pink streak running through the back of my hair. You know, it couldn't be in the front where it would look like I was trying to be cool. It's in the back in a very obsure place. I frantically tried washing it out but it did not come out. So now I'm sporting around a sort-of pink "do". Well, it's fitting for springtime, don't you think?

Prayer Time

Early this morning, I was able to be part of a prayer vigil Rivendell was having throughout the night. My hour was from 1:00 - 2:00a.m. I was really excited about it. It's not often that I get an entire hour with the Lord uninterrupted. The prayer room was set up with about five or six different stations. It was all extremely moving. This morning I feel refreshed, refocused and a bit mournful imagining how the disciples must have felt. I'm glad that Sunday is coming for celebration but right now my heart is quiet and thoughtful.

Crybaby

Does it come with age? I have become the biggest crybaby! I swear, a commercial comes on with a little sentimental flavor and tears start dripping off my face. I find myself trying to hide it because my kids have caught on. "Mom, are you crying over that?!" "Yes, I am," I say sniffling.

If I'm watching a movie or reading a book, I cry at the tender moments, the sad moments, the climatic happy moments, the kissing moments and the restoring moments. It's so ridiculous! I've even been known to start crying while someone is telling me a story, right there in front of them! How embarrassing. Maybe it's just that I've hit middle age and I'm feeling everything deeper. At least, I hope that's it.

I think I need a Kleenex, sniffle.

The Write Way

This weekend my kids and I visited my parents who live about two hours away. We had such a good time. It was refreshing for me, like the Fellowship of the Ring coming from Rivendell. (Sorry, I just read barefootpoet's blog so I'm in the Lord of the Rings mode.)

I've been thinking about writing a lot lately. I have tried my hand at it so many times. I even went about six months sitting at the computer everyday for at least an hour to get a story of mine down. I've written articles and the like. But the only thing I've ever had published was a story I wrote in high school that my teacher sent off and it was published in a small youth booklet. I LOVE stories. They speak to me. I've said before that there are stories going on in my mind all the time. I re-work them at bedtime. But lately I've avoided putting them on paper. Don't know why. I wrote a fictional book once and I still have it tucked away in my "writer's briefcase". I've never sent it off. Everytime I read it I find something that I want to change. How do writers put their story on paper and then just leave it?!

I was told about a man who asked C.S. Lewis how he wrote his books. C.S. Lewis said something like, "I see the whole thing in my mind and then I write it down." Incredible!

Writing is harder for me than drawing. Maybe because I'm harder on myself in doing it. Art seems to be forgiving. Even if you make a mistake, you can creatively "fix" it. Writing seems so concrete. It has right and a wrong way. However, the content should be what releases me. I have a difficult time getting down on paper what I have in my head. Maybe I should just do like I've done with learning to draw. I could again devote a certain amount of time to it every day. Maybe my perfectionism is stopping me again. Thinking that if I can't do it perfect then I don't want to do it at all. My dad has inspired me. He has been writing a book about his time in service during the Vietnam war. He said he's thought about it for a long time but is finally putting it to paper. I'm so proud of him. I need to just take the leap and quit talking about it. ;)

The Outing

Yesterday I thought we had an orthodonist appointment at 1:00. We took off but when we arrived there we noticed that there was a significant absence of cars, as in, none. I walked up to the door but it was locked and dark inside. I went back to the car to check my calendar only to realize that the appointment is NEXT week. Oh well, at least we didn't miss it. So off we went to buy The Chronicles of Narnia DVD.

Our favorite Thrift shop was on the way so we decided to stop. The kids ran to the toy section while I began browsing the clothes. As I looked through the clothes, I heard the woman working at the register talking on the phone to someone. She was getting angrier as she spoke and louder at that. Finally, the woman was so upset that she slammed down the phone. She turned my way as if embarassed that I might have heard something. I kept myself busy but I hurt for her. She quickly called someone else who seemed to console her and I was glad. I wondered what my role was in that moment. She seemed to overt her eyes from me from that point on. Maybe she was embarassed.

When we checked out she chit-chatted with me and I smiled at her. I hoped that it might brighten her day a bit. I wondered what more I could do. Should I outright ask if she's okay? She wasn't the lady that is normally in the store so I hadn't built a relationship yet. But does that matter? I walked out having just left a smile. I hope that was enough.

Little White House

Sunday afternoon, my family went for a drive and decided to check out a house a friend recommended that is up for sale. As soon as I saw it, I fell in love. It's like the dream house I've always wanted. It's a little Gingerbread house, as I call it. It's an older home with lots of character. The house was not open but we looked into the windows. The front porch was large the way I like it. The living room opened into the dining room with a dome shaped opening.

The kitchen was re-done and updated. It was adorable. Even the utility room was a cute little room tucked into the side of the house with pantry shelved walls. The backyard was quaint with large trees - a huge plus for me. Just down the street stood an awesome park. The backyard also held a great deck. There was a den downstairs in the basement with a fireplace. The garage had been changed into an apartment which would be great for helping with housepayments or maybe a Mother-in-law apartment. The only thing I didn't like about the house was that there was no garage. But I could live with that.

I have adored these type homes ever since we moved into this town. I'm trying not to think about it too much. It's not like we need to move. We have a great house already. I love my home. But it's fun to dream.

Soul Song

I cannot tell you how excited I am to have this song video on my blogsite!! I LOVE THIS SONG! I have looked and looked for a way to have, Uninvited, playing but could not figure it out. My sweet sister explained how to do it and now I keep replaying it because I can. Alanis Morrisette has such a powerfully, unique voice. I love her style (not a fan of all her songs but a lot of them). This song in particular has been a heart-song of mine for awhile. The way the song speaks to me is that I am very uninviting of God. Yet He pursues me. I love the end of the song when she says, "I don't think you unworthy, but I need a moment to deliberate." I hope you enjoy it!

Here are the lyrics:

Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you, you’re not allowed
You’re uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepard meet shepard
But you, you’re not allowed
You’re uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before
But this is not allowed
You’re uninvited
An unfortunate slight

I don’t think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate

Hospitality

I've been thinking about Hospitality a lot lately. Now that Flylady has entered my life, my home is not in the chaos it once was. So, I should be free to ask people over, right? Then why don't I? I LOVE getting together with my girlfriends for a Girls Night Out. I enjoy getting to know new people. So why don't I invite them over more often? Am I frozen again by that dreaded word, fear? Please! Haven't I learned that lesson already?! Why can't I just reach out and ask?

The answer: I don't know. I've been mulling it over in my mind so much these last few days that I'm wondering if it's conviction. Of course, I know that there are those times when I'm exhausted that I don't want to be around anyone; I just want to be alone! But that's not okay for every night. I could at least set aside one night a week to merge into someone else's life, couldn't I? Isn't that Biblical? I re-read a blog from This One's For the Girls that inspired me. And yet, I am still sitting here and not calling anyone to set a date. My procrastination is bugging me. I know that half of doing it is simply planning it. So maybe I just need to get my calendar out and go for it! Any words of wisdom would be welcome.

Jungle Fever

I was doodling today with my lessons. I had fun playing around with all this color. Although, I think I need to invest in some really good markers.

Connecting

I felt restless this morning. The morning was moving along nicely but my heart was heavy with several things. Even as I read the Bible I wasn't connecting. "God, I need you. Please show yourself. I need to hear from you." I was flipping through the Bible trying to find a passage that would speak to me. But finally I closed it because I had no idea what to read. Isaiah 43 popped into my head. Huh? I opened my Bible to that passage. This is what I read:

But now, O Isreal, the Lord who created you says: "Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name. You are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Isreal, your Savior...You are honored, and I love you."

Tears of relief. Thank you God.

I Think Of You

Into the phone she spoke
And told the fearsome news.
The untrasound showed something wrong.
Using the scale of one to four.
Yours was a four plus.
Dreaded.

I cannot read. I think of you.

No food tonight.
They fear the worst.
Everything is urgent.
Tomorrow under the knife you go.
Perhaps a lymph node too.
Frightened.

I cannot sleep. I think of you.

I know you think of her.
She seemed like your sister
More than your mother.
They told her what they're telling you.
Would God let this happen twice?
Overwhelmed.

I try to pray. I think of you.

What does tomorrow hold?
What have you told your children?
I see mine sleeping and wonder.
Where did you find the words?
What are you thinking?
Saddened.

Tears are falling. I think of you.

Please pray for my friend tomorrow and her family.

Drawing School

Well, my drawing school continues. I have been learning so much from the book I'm reading. In fact, while I was doing some of the lessons my eldest daughter came in and looked at my work. She said it was exactly what her art teacher had taught her. The more we talked we discovered that she's been going through these same lessons. She's ahead of me but it was fun "talking art".

I have been so consumed with drawing that I've been letting the Art of Homemaking go to the wayside. So last night I tided up and it felt good. I decided that I want to have art supplies in the kitchen but I also want the ability to put them out of sight. So I began cleaning out the cabinets to make room. Some of my cabinets were orderly but some were just a jumbled mess. My spice cabinets were pathetic. When I started sorting the spices I realized that I'd bought doubles because I couldn't see what I had. So I took them out, sorted them and stored them alphabetically in three different plastic shoe boxes. Yes, I had THAT many! No wonder that cabinet is always in shambles. I de-cluttered my baking dishes. I still have quite a few but I whittled down a lot. Then I attacked my plastic dishes with lids. Man, those can get out of control in a HURRY! I got rid of half of them because they didn't have lids or were damaged in some way. It was nice to get so much cleared out. Now I have a cabinet by my little desk that is cleared out and ready to put my art supplies in.

I started clipping "ideas" from magazines last night of things to sketch and put them in a little box. Maybe someday I'll have files of things to choose from, but for now my little box will do. Well, I need to go. My children seem to be dragging their feet this morning. I think we've been on spelling words for forty minutes! :) I need to get the fire going under their tushies. We've still got math and history to go!

First Sketches

Here are some of my first sketches. I haven't posted pictures before so bear with me. I had to erase my name while editing all of these thus the little white box in each of the pictures. First-timer's mistake I guess. I'll know better next time! This afternoon I am reading through Drawing with Children - A Creative Method for Adult Beginners, Too by Mona Brookes that Supermom (also an artist) graciously loaned me. I am thoroughly enjoying it so far!

If there are any sketching tips you'd like to give, fire away.

Sketching Crazy

Since I bought that sketch pad the other day, I have been a sketching maniac! My little mister told me today, "Mom, you are drawing EVERYTHING!" He's right. Anything standing still is fair game!

Today I even attempted to sketch my sister. When my kids saw it, two out of three guessed it was her. That's improvement. So far I've drawn: a window, a jar, a vase, a half-eaten cupcake, a Build-a-Bear, a Ken-like doll, Little Mister's shoe (It's his fault, he left it out), a candle, Little Miss (while she was watching a movie), Little Lady (from a picture - she and little mister won't sit still enough yet), flowers off of my kitchen wallpaper, pepper shaker (until the waitress moved it) and numerous other sketches that I've tried to duplicate from books. I'm having SO much fun!!

Encouraging!

I received this email today. I just had to share this after my last post.

"...reminded me of a study that changed my attitude about aging. It evaluated famous people throughout history from all walks of life and occupations (artists, statemen, writers, etc.) and ranked them according to the importance of their greatest accomplishment and the age at which that accomplishment took place. It was determined that 35% of the world's greatest accomplishments (as ranked by critics) were completed by people in their 60s; 23% were done by people in their 70s; and 6% by those in their 80s. In other words, 64% of the greatest accomplishments of all time have been done by people who are 60 or over!"

Encouraging, huh?

Loosing Perfection

Lately I have been learning how to let go of my perfectionism. Now, I'm not one of those perfectionists who does everything perfect. No, I'm the one who fears doing anything because I can't do it perfect. Flylady has been teaching me how to overcome that in homemaking. As she says, "Housework done incorrectly still blesses the house."

There are so many things that I long to do but don't because I don't know how. Translation: I'm afraid I'll do it wrong. I'm a homeschool teacher right? So you would think that it would have occured to me that sometimes the only way to learn something is to jump in and do it! Like when I'm teaching my kids how to bake something. I could tell them everything I do, let them read about it in a book and even taste the finished treat. But the best way to teach them how to do it is to let them do it.

I was fearful of writing, but this blog has been my stepping stone for overcoming that. I've also been longing to sketch. And seeing Stephanie (she's also here) just put it out there for everyone to see has been so inspiring (I hope you don't mind that I keep referring to you). It made me realize that my perfectionism is once again holding me back. So, last night as I ran to the store for some milk, I bought myself some tracing paper (to learn from other drawings) and a sketch book. After my kids went to bed I sat down and began tracing anything and everything. Then I started sketching free-hand. It was so exillerating! I felt free. At one point I thought to myself, oh, I probably shouldn't sketch anymore on this page, it's getting full. What?! What difference does it make? I'm free from being perfect! So I continued adding more to that page just to prove to myself that it didn't have to be perfectly spaced. (And for those who know my graphing fettish, this is huge!)

And do you know what happened? My kids came in this morning, saw my drawings and immediately wanted some paper to draw on. They drew without hestitation. I smiled and felt this overwhelming relief. They are not yet thorted with perfectionism. And maybe, by some miracle, they never will be.

Finding Me

I was reminising about my college years and feeling a tinge of regret that I can't go back to that person. She was happy, thin, and filled with hope for the future. She laughed a LOT. Where did she go? Is she still down in me somewhere? Sometimes I get glimpses of her. Other times I feel horribly distant from her like that was millions of years ago and that I'm not even that person anymore. The other day I found a notebook full of notes from classes or just things I'd gathered during my senior year in college that meant something to me. It was a walk down memory lane. And the most reassuring thing was that what I wrote so long ago seemed familiar. She was still me and I was still her.

I have been reading a book lately called Thin Again by the Hallidays. He uses the imagery of being wrapped in grave clothes like Lazarus. It's like all the pounds I've gathered over the years or other addictions that I've had are the things I've wrapped around me to keep me safe or to lock in my deepest hurts. Only, I'm not dead. So why am I wearing grave clothes? Layer by layer, God has been lifting them. It makes me feel naked and scared sometimes. Other times I feel free. Since one of my addictions has been food, He's showing me how to turn to food only when I'm physically hungry but to turn to Him when my soul is hungry.

I want to be so much more than my stupid struggles. Maybe living this life is always going to be with the tension of struggles and beauty. Beauty lifts my spirits and restores my hope. So I enjoy Stephanie's sketches; read other blogs; watch the rain and listen to Switchfoot sing When I Look At the Stars. Thanks God, for beauty.

Monday

I am loving these rainy days. It makes me want to take a very long nap...ZZZzzzz

However, I have a little sick boy that's had a virus of high fever and horrible coughing for the past five days so none of us are sleeping too well. The doctor's office called this morning to check on him. I have NEVER had that happen before. I told them that he was still coughing, that his fever was up and his appetite was down. They told me to bring him back in. They did Xrays on his chest and told me that he had a slight form of pneumonia so they're starting him on antibiotics. The poor little guy is pretty weak. He keeps complaining about his "wiggly legs". The girls seem to have a form of the virus too but they have not been as sick as he has.

Tonight is the Switchfoot concert that I was supposed to go to. Oh well, it's not that bad. After all, I love being home and I checked out a movie to watch after the kids are in bed. Little Miss is going to the concert thanks to Daddy helping with it. I lovingly refer to him as the "Big Kahuna".

I'm trying desperatly to keep my house looking tidy even with sickness in the house. I am determined not to fall too far behind again. I've got a good thing going and I don't want it to end! Hubby did like 12 hours of laundry over the weekend. That's one area that I have not put in my routine yet. No, I'm not kidding, we were that behind and he took it upon his precious little self to do it ALL (wash, fold and put away). Applause for the Big Kahuna!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I hear little Mister starting to hack again so I better go check on him. It's getting close to dinner time, maybe we'll have some Chili Frito pie...

Spring Break

We've had Spring Break this week with my sister and her kids. It has been SO MUCH FUN!! We've played at the park, adopted new friends at Build-a-Bear, acquired new clothes at a thrift store, stayed up late, slept in, practiced and put on a "show" at our very own skate rink (backyard patio), had a Moms-Only night out on the town while Hubby watched the kids, and shared the joy of watching Bride and Prejudice AND Pride and Prejudice. (Yes, those are both new movies out this year and since I LOVE Jane Austin, we had to watch them both.) I am very sad that my sister's leaving to go visit my parents but I guess they deserve their turn too. ;)

One very valuable lesson that I learned this week: You can lay out breakfast the night before and not have to get up to feed everyone. It's very handy for sleeping in.

If you're wondering how we did that, here's the (not sugar-free) list:

• Monday morning: Krispy Kreme Donuts, individual Capri-sun juices

• Tuesday morning: Pinch me cake (made ahead and sat covered on a cake plate) with little fruit bowls that were pre-cut and Saran-wrapped in the fridge.

• Wednesday morning: Banana bread (sliced and in a large baggie in the middle of the table) and cereal boxes set out with non-breakable bowls at each place (milk in cups in the fridge, ready for pouring if needed).

• Thursday morning: Bagels (on the table in bag) and cream cheese (in the fridge) with granola bars handy in a bowl for the picking (in case someone didn't want a bagel).

My next idea is to try slow-cooking oatmeal or eggs in the crock pot for a hot breakfast in the morning without having to wake with the dawn.

P.S. I am not sure what is with the weird font and sizes. I've tried to correct it over and over but I can't seem to get it to post right. Oh well, it adds a certain new flavor to the blog, don't you think?

Things I Heard This Morning

Things I Heard This Morning:

1. They don't want me to play with them. (What they actually said was they didn't want him to play like he was an animal. They did want to play something else with him.)

2. Daddy showed me a dead mouse!!!

3. My sister usually wakes me up, well, scares me up.

4. I hope there isn't a family of mice in there.

5. Man, I would like to see that (dead mouse) if I get a chance!

Grocery Marathon

Today I did a grocery marathon. I have company coming and they will probably want to eat while they're here. :) I had some great coupons from some of the big price stores. So I mapped out my plan and took off.

First stop: 10 lbs of lean hamburger meat for $1.46/lb; green beans, corn and creamed corn for $.25/ea. Ahead of schedule, I zoomed to second store. (Fortunately, these stores are not too far apart!)

Second stop: Milk for $.88/gallon; Capri-Sun individual juices 10/$1; 2 lbs. of Baked Chicken Tenders for $6; and large Gatarade for $.88. Long line delayed me but my car was in a close parking spot.

Final stop: Aldie's -my favorite store! My grocery cart was more than overflowing. I was having to hold some of the stuff on board. I bought almost a month's worth of groceries for a family of five and still had $50 left in my grocery budget!!! (See why I LOVE that store? That's enough money for two boxes of Angel Food!) I was feeling gleeful inside but the people behind me were getting impatient. It took me about fifteen minutes to sack it all because I didn't have my helping hands. Got home. My helping hands rushed out to meet me and exclaim over all the food. They were glad that we weren't low on everything now. Meaning: bread, cereal or milk. Thankfully, the toilet paper was holding out. Everyone was hungry. I told them that work came before food. Groceries were put away quickly and we all enjoyed the chicken tenders.

Tomorrow's journey: Bake and cook till the freezer's full; and clean until my house is shiney! Stay tuned to find out how Banana Bread turns out...

Little Happies!

Just a few little happies that have come my way lately:

1. Just when I was having my Homeschool -Mom-Monthly-Meltdown about whether or not my kids were learning ANYTHING, my eldest daughter popped her head into my doorway and asked, "Do you know where the Mozart c.d. is?" She knows that's Mozart?! Handel began singing in my head Haaaaaaaalleluia, Haaaaaalleluia, Halleluia, Halleluia, Halleeeeeluuuia!

2. The other day my kids asked Hubby about moving to a new house. He answered, "The way our house has been looking lately, I don't know if I want to move." Again, Handel began singing in the background and my smile went ear to ear. Could you say that again, Honey? I'm not sure I heard that right the first time.

3. My sister is coming to visit next week! Girls just wanna have fu-un, Ohhh, girls just wanna have fun.

4. I gave five boxes, and three trash bags of "stuff" to Salvation Army. And I've scheduled them for pick-ups for the next three weeks to motivate myself to keep de-cluttering and getting rid of things I'm not using. I feel lighter! I can Fly, I can Fly, I can Fly!

5. Chocolate eggs. I ran an errand last night to Drug Mart and wouldn't you know it? Their Dove chocolate eggs were on sale. I bought a package and enjoyed a few tonight. Mmmmm. Sorry, but I can't think of a song for this one.

Note: In my comments, Michelle came up with the perfect song for this: Oompah-Loompah, Doopa-dee-doo... I just had to add it!

No Condemnation

No condemnation - those two little words have so much packed into them. Last week was depressing. I couldn't shake it. So by the weekend I had to take a good long look to see what was going on. I found it. It was my old "failure routine". You know, that montage of failures that replays itself everytime you mess up. This is going to sound weird but, I realized that I hadn't forgiven myself. God was gracious to remind me that Jesus did not come into this world to condemn the world. So why was I still condemning myself? Yes, I still mess up. I'm sinful. But I don't have to stay connected to my failures for all eternity. I can let it go.

That afternoon, I ran an errand to the eyeglass place to get my glasses fixed and adjusted. I was having one of those, "I feel fat" days. My condeming thoughts started again. "You look ridiculous in those jeans." "You're never going to get this weight off." "People are staring at you." "I hate this body." Then I realized what was happening and in my mind I said, "Stop!" I stopped. My heart answered all those yucky thoughts with, "Yes, I am overweight, but God is helping me in that area. And yes, I might not look like a teenage model but doggone it, this body has served me well! It carried three beautiful children for nine months each and then birthed them. My legs take me anywhere I need to go. My arms have hugged countless people and worked hard at making my house a home. Even my tushy has given me adequate comfort while I sit. In fact, this body has been wonderfully made and I should be thankful for it. Maybe, I actually like it! So there."

The thoughts were silent. No condemnation.

Cooking Questions

This is a questionaire from a friend of mine. She tagged me to do it and I thought it would be fun.

1. How many meals does most of your family eat at home each week? How many are in your family?
We eat almost every meal at home. We do eat out on Sunday evenings and sometimes Sunday noon. There are five in our family.

2. How many cookbooks do you own? Six! I've been cleaning them out and I've given away lots of them. I've been putting my favorite recipies in my recipe box so I don't have to hunt through an enormous pile of cookbooks to find that one recipe. My favorites are:
1. Miserly Meals written by Jonni McCoy and
2. Kraft Food and Family magazine that is FREE if you sign up online. Supermom introduced me to it and I love how most of the recipes are simple but delicious. I don't usually sign up for magazines because they become clutter around my house but this one is worth it!

3. How often do you refer to a cookbook each week?I usually look at them weekly. I try to have my meals planned a week at a time and plan them on the day of the week before Errand Day so that I'm ready to go grocery shopping.

4. Do you collect recipes from other sources? I always love getting a new good recipe. Anything I eat at someone else's house or a potluck, I ask for the recipe!

5. How do you store those recipes? I usually store them in my recipe box. But Michelle mentioned putting them in a photo album and that sounds like a great idea!

6. When you cook, do you follow the recipe pretty closely, or do you use recipes primarily to give you ideas? I do both. I like following by the book but if I don't have an ingredient then I put in something different. Some of our favorite meals came out of improv!

7. Is there a particular ethnic style or flavor that predominates in your cooking? If so, what is it? Home-style. I try to have creativity throughout the week if I can. For instance: Chicken casserole, meatloaf, Tortillini, Vegetable soup, and something in the crock pot for Errand Day.

8. What’s your favorite kitchen task related to meal planning and preparation? (eating the finished product does not count) Choosing the meals and thinking through the week.

9. What’s your least favorite part? Washing the dishes. I don't mind loading the dishwasher it's just the hand washing that drives me crazy. I know it doesn't take that long but mentally I have a block.

10. Do you plan menus before you shop? Yes, it helps me stay focused and not be tempted to buy extras, saves money.

11. What are your three favorite kitchen tools or appliances? My dishwasher, my ceramic slow cooker ( my mother-in-law gave me for a wedding gift and it's still working wonders), and my coffee maker (can't deny loving that Heavenly juice).

12. If you could buy one new thing for your kitchen, money was no object, and space not an issue, what would you most like to have? A new oven. Mine is old but it still works fine. But if money were no object I would enjoy all the new gadgets on a brand new one.

13. Since money and space are probably objects, what are you most likely to buy next? Pampered Chef vegtable steamer because my sister keeps raving about hers.

14. Do you have a separate freezer for storage? Yes, and it's a large one. I love it! It's especially great when I'm having company. I can cook ahead and freeze.

15. Grocery shop alone or with others? Mostly with others since I homeschool and my kids are with me most of the time. But I shop at Aldi's my most favorite store. My kids are great at being my runners. We also form an assembly line to bag all the groceries; unload them into the house and put them away. It actually takes much longer now when I go alone. I don't have all my helping hands. L

16. How many meatless main dish meals do you fix in a week? Probably one. It's either mac'n'cheese or some other kind of pasta.

17. If you have a decorating theme in your kitchen, what is it? Favorite kitchen colors? I don't really have a theme other than a romantic look. The colors I have now were there when we bought the house. It's dark blue and cranberry with floral wallpaper. I like it. But, if I could pick my favorite kitchen color it would be a sunny yellow. We are in there so much that I would like it to be light and airy with bright color accented elsewhere, like red, orange, purple, and green.

18. What’s the first thing you ever learned to cook, and how old were you? Hmm, it would either be chocolate chip cookies, mac'n'cheese or tuna casserole. I was probably in 4th or 5th grade.

19. How did you learn to cook? I learned a lot from watching my Mom. She was an incredible cook but I didn't really take an interest until I was engaged to be married. It was sort of a crash course. Then I continued to learn just by following recipes and doing it. (Still learning by the way)

20. Tagging… I’m tagging Supermom and Kyle. But only if you have time and want to play, of course… I won't be offended AT ALL if you opt out. It's kind of lengthy, I know.

Holding Out for a Hero

You know that song, Holding Out For A Hero by Bonnie Tyler? The one that says, "I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero till the end of night, He's got to be strong, He's got to be fast and He's got to be fresh from the fight". (For you young'uns, it was the song on Shrek2 when he comes back to save his lady) Well, that was my song last night and boy did my hero come flying in! Hubby came home (must have had that super-hero costume on underneath his clothes) whisked the kiddos outside for some skating and baseball. The kids came running into the house saying Daddy was taking them to the park near our house. I cringed. They all needed baths and LOST was coming on in an hour. I explained my dilemma to him. He smiled and said, "Don't worry, you can watch your show. I'll take care of the kids." Sigh. See why I love this man?!

So he gave me an hour of silence BEFORE my show and then let me have uninterrupted T.V. time. I did laundry, cleaned out drawers, cabinets and such. Getting so much accomplished and having some time to de-grump lifted my spirits. I finished my day by reading in bed and fell into much-needed sleep. I awoke this morning refreshed. But two fights, five whines, and eight interruptions later I'm beginning to wonder if I'll need that hero again.

Insert Loud Screaming Here!

Today has been one of those days. Everything is getting on my nerves! I feel like I'm just in a bad mood but is that really a good excuse? I know it's not. I have HAD it with the constant interruptions and complaining! For example, Little Mister came into my room whining about several things. I didn't want to hear it. I told him to go into his room until he could come back and talk to me without whining. He threw a big fit grabbing his throat as if dying of thirst (but letting me know he was dying to talk) and wailing. I just looked at him. I told him I didn't want to hear a fit and made him go sit on his bed. He wailed the whole time and then wailed on his bed. I told him that if he didn't stop that he was also getting a spanking. Then I let my tongue get the better of me and snapped at him. I knew I was wrong immediately after I'd said it but I was so frustrated that I didn't care. I had to get off to my bathroom and lock the door for a little prayer to stay calm with the children that I love. Grrr. But I was still feeling really fowl. I was stomping around the house and they were staying out of my way. I had to ask forgiveness for snapping and stomping. They forgave.

To continue my story, Little Mister quickly finished crying then came to my room to ask if he could get up. Only, he whined while he asked. I told him I wasn't listening to whining, it hurt my ears. So he attempted to ask me three more times (I should have only let him ask once) each time whining and each time I repeated it back to him in the way I wanted him to say it. I was beginning to get really upset. I told him that he had no more chances but would have to sit on his bed once again until I called him. Of course this made him let out another wail. I told him to quiet down or there would be a spanking. When I let him up he FINALLY chose to ask in the right way.

We have continued this throughout the day. As I write, he yet again, came in complaining about some toy the girls have that he doesn't. (AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!) This time I didn't snap. Must be a miracle. I told him to sit on his bed. He started crying and saying that he forgot. Forgot? Are you kidding me?! I DON'T CARE!!! I told him that was too bad, he still had to sit on his bed without a fit before I would let him get up. Thankfully, each time he's coming around a little faster.

Maybe it comes to the point of breakdown before I really see what I need to see. Because later it occured to me that what I've seen lately with my eldest daughter snapping at her siblings may actually be coming from me. I hate it when that happens! OR maybe it's because there are some things her siblings are doing that I'm not seeing and I need to be more observant and empathetic to her. Anyway, I need wisdom and a little sleep probably wouldn't hurt. I didn't get much last night so that might be where all this is coming from. If you think about it, send up a prayer for me today. I'm still feeling grumpy.